Eric D. Snider
It’s October, which for Hollywood means one thing: Time to burn off the movies that weren’t loud enough to be summer releases but are too stupid to be end-of-the-year prestige films. This weekend there are FIVE new wide releases, five very different movies that will collectively occupy about 30% of the nation’s movie screens. They are:
- Geostorm, a disaster movie;
- The Snowman, a crime thriller about a serial killer;
- Only the Brave, about real-life “hotshot” firefighters;
- Same Kind of Different As Me, about white Christians helping a black homeless man;
- Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween, which is either self-explanatory or impossible to explain.
How can you possibly discern between these movies and make rational choices about what to see? You cannot. Fortunately, we are here to help.
How to Tell This Week’s Movies Apart
Title sounds like a pleasant children’s story, but it’s actually about a serial killer: The Snowman
Title sounds like someone exclaiming random words while having a stroke, but it’s actually about a giant grandma who beats children: Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Being released now because it’s seasonally appropriate: The Snowman; Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Being released now because they need the tax write-off before the end of the year: Same Kind of Different As Me
Perspiration: Only the Brave
Inspiration: Same Kind of Different As Me
Desperation: Geostorm
About people courageous enough to fight fires: Only the Brave
About people courageous enough to work with Val Kilmer: The Snowman
Based on the absurd notion of satellites controlling the weather: Geostrom
Based on the absurd notion of Tyler Perry: Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Catastrophic fires: Only the Brave
Catastrophic weather: Geostorm
Catastrophic reviews: The Snowman
May have kitsch value: Geostorm
May have Taylor Kitsch value: Only the Brave
All of the cast is white: The Snowman
Most of the cast is black: Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Some of the cast is awake: Geostorm
Has the star of Dear God: Same Kind of Different As Me
Has a trailer that makes you say, “Dear God!”: Geostorm
Scenes of widespread destruction: Geostorm
Scenes of widespread Jon Voight: Same Kind of Different As Me
About a detective trying to catch a killer: The Snowman
About a couple trying to help a homeless man: Same Kind of Different As Me
About the writer of Independence Day trying to direct a movie: Geostorm
The women are abducted and killed: The Snowman
The women stay home and worry about their husbands: Only the Brave
The female lead is played by a man: Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Eric D. Snider lives in Portland.
