{"id":11582,"date":"2019-03-27T05:00:49","date_gmt":"2019-03-27T12:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=11582"},"modified":"2019-03-26T15:45:29","modified_gmt":"2019-03-26T22:45:29","slug":"other-dumb-movie-petitions-and-kickstarter-campaigns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/other-dumb-movie-petitions-and-kickstarter-campaigns\/","title":{"rendered":"Other Dumb Movie Petitions and Kickstarter Campaigns"},"content":{"rendered":"

Since the dawn of that guy who tried to cut all women out of The Last Jedi<\/i>, we\u2019ve entered a new era of fandom. An era of thankless course correction, where anyone with a childhood sculpted by a certain piece of art gets to tell the artist how it really belongs to them, and they have notes.<\/p>\n

The latest attempt to put a better smile on the Mona Lisa was a Kickstarter<\/span><\/a> campaign to \u201cDigitally Erase the Rat From the End of The Departed.<\/i>\u201d While its $4,000 target was easily met, the effort has earned a cease-and-desist from Warner Brothers, not to mention the rumors that it was an elaborate mockery to begin with \u2014 the details stated the rat would be transplanted into Ratatouille<\/i>, but anyone with a basic understanding of cinematic storytelling knows the extra screen time it would take to give him a proper arc and character development would leave the film feeling bloated.<\/p>\n

So that one’s off the table, but if you were considering putting your hard-earned money toward a still-active campaign to fix art, here are some other options we found on the internet and definitely did not make up.<\/p>\n

\n

Make the Joker\u2019s Scars Canonically the Result of Trying to Impress His Friends by Holding a Boxcutter in His Mouth Like a Pirate<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cChris Nolan is the greatest filmmaker working today, don\u2019t get me wrong, but if you watch The Dark Knight<\/i>, the Joker keeps changing the way he got his scars. It\u2019s probably something that nobody noticed in rewrites, and I feel that, so me and my cousin Reggie who knows the comics better than me hashed out a more consistent, better explanation that you could just dub in or whatever (I\u2019m don\u2019t make movies lol).\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Star Wars Isn\u2019t Realistic Because There\u2019s No Sound in Space, So the Cantina Scene Should Also Be Hard to Hear over the Hourly Space Keno Drawings<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/i>\u201cDid they even look it up? That\u2019s like Earth Science 101, man. There shouldn\u2019t be any laser sounds or explosion sounds or any others. And once I noticed that, I noticed a lot of the sounds in Star Wars<\/i> are so <\/i>unrealistic, too. Has George Lucas ever been in a bar? I mean honestly.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

But Also There Should Be Sound in Space for That One Scene in <\/i>The Last Jedi That I Didn\u2019t Like Where There Wasn\u2019t Sound in Space<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/i>\u201cOkay, I get what Rian Johnson was trying to do here with subverting the old Star Wars <\/i>trope of having sound in space. Subversion is like Screenwriting 101. But why? It\u2019s pointless subversion, and I think that in this specific case there should be sound put back into space, like a whoosh or something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

I\u2019m Glad <\/i>Captain Marvel Is Empowering to Women, Don\u2019t Get Me Wrong, But I Wish It Wasn\u2019t <\/i>Pandering to Women<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201c<\/i>Using ‘Just A Girl’ in a fight scene? Lol OK. Other characters calling her ‘Carol’ all the time? Lol sure. Not making her take her shirt off like the other Marvel superheroes? Double standard much?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Digitally Erase the Rats from the End of <\/i>Muppets Take Manhattan<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

“True, Kermit and the pig woman befriend a plethora of rats during the course of Muppets Take Manhattan<\/i>. But no, there\u2019s not a church in the Five Boroughs that would knowingly allow talking rats to attend a wedding in small tuxedos.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Make Frank Oz Read All the <\/i>Star Wars Books to Understand Yoda, Including the One With the Emperor\u2019s Mutant Son Who Has an Extra Eye on the Back of His Head<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cFrank Oz is a legend, no doubt, but he hasn\u2019t spent as much time<\/a> immersed in Star Wars <\/i>lore as we all have. I\u2019m not looking to argue \u2014 I\u2019m all about civil debate \u2014 so this campaign is to make sure he understands the universe as well as I do, including the Emperor\u2019s virgin-born, three-eyed son named Triclops.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Certify Every Horror Movie I Like As ‘Not A Horror Movie’<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cHorror is all cheap thrills. The movies I appreciate are more like thrillers about sex-crazed teenagers getting slaughtered at camp with horror elements.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Colorize the Rest of <\/i>The Wizard of Oz<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if anyone else has noticed this, but parts of this movie are still in black-and-white but, like, brown? Really took me out of it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Animated Remake of Disney\u2019s Live-Action Classic <\/i>Cinderella (2015)<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s about time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Give George Lucas All the New Star Wars Movies and Just See What He Does<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/i>\u201cWe took a vote and trust him now, so he should be allowed to recut everything after Force Awakens <\/i>and do, y\u2019know, whatever the hell.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Let Me and the Rest of My Podcast Fix <\/i>Star Trek<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cAn (Enterprise) Bridge Too Far Podcast has released three-hour episodes deconstructing every Trek <\/i>movie down to the minute. We\u2019ve diagnosed all the problems with the franchise as it stands and can send you links if you\u2019d like, but all we\u2019re asking for is the reins to the next Star Trek <\/i>feature film or at least seats in the writers room. Josh speaks all alien languages, most of them better than English (just a joke). Landon is good with blueprints. My specialty is I just know <\/i>what makes a good Trek <\/i>story. Also Kirsten is OK to have around.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Put a Lower-Third Graphic in the <\/i>Harry Potter Movies Every Time a Gay Character Never Identified As Such Enters a Scene<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cHogwarts has always been inclusive (in this way) and it\u2019s about time we prove it to people 18 years ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Put in a Post-Credits Scene in <\/i>A Star Is Born That Says, \u201cThey Had to Have Banged, I Mean, C\u2019mon Now.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/i>\u201cIt could be the words or someone from the movie saying it to the camera. Maybe Sam Elliott. Yeah. He\u2019d really sell it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Install Pause Buttons in Movie Theater Seats So You Can Ask Nick Why Alyssa Didn\u2019t Come<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n

<\/i>\u201cShe usually does, so something might be up, and you don\u2019t want to wait until the end of the movie to have such a pressing, personal conversation. Plus you don\u2019t want to bother anyone else in the theater, so you can just pause the movie until Nick stops reading her old texts and then let it play again.\u201d \"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
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Since the dawn of that guy who tried to cut all women out of The Last Jedi, we\u2019ve entered a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":475,"featured_media":11585,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1381,336],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/475"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11582"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11582\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11585"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}