{"id":11935,"date":"2019-05-29T13:00:34","date_gmt":"2019-05-29T20:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=11935"},"modified":"2019-05-30T17:22:49","modified_gmt":"2019-05-31T00:22:49","slug":"exclusive-an-interview-with-2020-presidential-candidate-godzilla","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/exclusive-an-interview-with-2020-presidential-candidate-godzilla\/","title":{"rendered":"EXCLUSIVE: An Interview with 2020 Presidential Candidate Godzilla"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sanders, Warren, Buttigieg, Biden, O\u2019Rourke, Harris, Yang. Uh … I wanna say Islee? Is that one? The list of Democratic candidates for the 2020 presidential election continues to grow. Now one more public figure has decided to run for office, and he\u2019s a doozy. Godzilla, the 65-year-old strange beast, or kaiju<\/i>, began his campaign for the presidency earlier this month and is about to be featured in a propaganda film\u00a0 entitled King of the<\/i> Monsters<\/i>. Thanks to some connections made on the pro-kaiju fansite DeployAllMonsters.com<\/span><\/a>, an employee of the shadowy government organization Monarch was able to set this writer up with an exclusive meeting with the giant lizard, who had quite a lot to say about his plan for the country. <\/span><\/p>\n

Crooked Marquee:<\/strong> Good afternoon, Mr. Zilla. You shocked the nation with your campaign announcement, so let\u2019s get right to it: Why do you want to run for president? <\/span><\/p>\n

Godzilla:<\/strong> (through a Monarch translation device) <\/em>ROAAAAAARRRRR\u2014thing working? Is it on? OK. Look \u2014 I\u2019m a member of a small but not insignificant minority that you humans call \u201cTitans,\u201d and we\u2019ve been on this planet since before you rose up out of the primordial swamp. Quite frankly, you\u2019ve screwed the place up big time, and somebody needs to get you back under control. It\u2019s in everyone\u2019s best interest.<\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> The title of your propaganda film, King of the Monsters <\/i>\u2014 is that implying what your term would be like? Should humans be insulted by that \u201cmonsters\u201d allusion?<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> (laughs)<\/em> The title simply refers to the domination of my fellow giant monsters within the dramatization of the film. As for any other allusions, they\u2019re for you to make, not me. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> What is your opinion of humans in general?<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> You guys can be super cute. Bringing a 125-millimeter caliber tank to try and stop a 119.8-meter person like myself? Adorable!<\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Speaking of height, there are a lot of conflicting numbers floating around. Even more pertinent is your country of origin. A lot of people have been calling for your birth certificate\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> Uh-huh. \u201cA lot of people.\u201d We know who. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Anyway, I have your birth certificate right here, and it\u2019s some pretty damning stuff. It says that you were born in the ocean near Odo Island in southern Japan, and that your birth name translates to \u201cGorilla Whale\u201d\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> (shoots a tiny fleck of spittle at the document, engulfing it in flames and burning it to a crisp)<\/em> I\u2019m from Florida. Next question. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Given that you seem to be aiming at establishing a monarchy, what made you want to run as a Democrat? <\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> It\u2019s the best approximation for my policies. But I can also reach across the aisles \u2014 literally, obviously. Sometimes I look Green, I glow Blue, things I burn turn Red \u2026 I\u2019m multi-faceted. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk policies. There\u2019s an ongoing debate right now within the Democratic Party about socialism versus capitalism. Where do you stand? <\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> As I said before, I stand at 119.8 meters. Make sure you print that. Now, as to the issue, I will absolutely be able to provide a fair and impartial redistribution of the country\u2019s wealth, based on which way my tail happens to hit it. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Another hot-button issue regards potentially building a border wall\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m anti-wall. Any wall. Ceilings, too. Frankly, I\u2019m anti-building, period.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Based on recent polls, Americans seem to prefer a strong president. What are your thoughts on defense? Do we need a nuclear deterrent?<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> I am<\/i> a nuclear deterrent. But<\/span> what we really need to do is to bolster this country\u2019s nuclear power. It\u2019s one of the best resources we have, and it\u2019s incredibly delicious. I\u2019m also very into this idea of a Space Force. The last thing we need are any more damn Ghidorahs invading this planet.<\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> That\u2019s a very different sort of immigration policy than your colleague Juli\u00e1n Castro is proposing. <\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> If Mr. Castro wants to fight the three-headed dragon-like aliens, he\u2019s welcome to do so.<\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> What do you think of the other candidates? <\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> I\u2019m not here to turn this into some kind of knock-down, drag-out brawl \u2014 that just tends to happen naturally with me. I think Bernie\u2019s just as tough as me, but he doesn\u2019t have the reach. De Blasio certainly knows how to destroy a major city. Senator Warren is fighting for \u201cbig, structural change,\u201d which I can do literally in my sleep. I\u2019m 119.8 meters off the ground and somehow Joe Biden is more out of touch.<\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Mothra is especially unpopular among male voters.<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> Of course! Have you seen her policies? They\u2019re terrible. Something about wanting to fight climate change by putting a giant cocoon around the world, some new plan to combat Dagahra \u2026 I can\u2019t think of anything more stupid. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Well, her unpopularity isn\u2019t really about her policies, but just the fact that she\u2019s a woman.<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> I stand corrected. That\u2019s pretty f***ing stupid. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> What\u2019s your position on the abortion issue?<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> I\u2019m pro-choice. I mean, I\u2019m a monster, but I\u2019m not a monster<\/i>. <\/span><\/p>\n

CM:<\/strong> Does that stance have anything to do with the illegitimate children you allegedly fathered in Madison Square Garden in 1998?<\/span><\/p>\n

G:<\/strong> No comment.<\/span><\/p>\n

This interview has been edited for clarity, content, indecipherable roars, and frequent kaiju battle interruptions<\/i>. \"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
Join our mailing list<\/a>! Follow us on Twitter<\/a>! Write<\/a>\u00a0for us!<\/em><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sanders, Warren, Buttigieg, Biden, O\u2019Rourke, Harris, Yang. Uh … I wanna say Islee? Is that one? The list of Democratic […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":459,"featured_media":11937,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1381,336,1400],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11935","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies","category-humor","category-on-the-marquee"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11935","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/459"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11935"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11935\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11937"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11935"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11935"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11935"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}