It\u2019s almost time for Shark Week, so this week\u2019s marginal VOD releases include two shark movies, plus the return of a notorious trash auteur, and a couple of tender dramas from Europe that have no sharks in them whatsoever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Great White Waters<\/em><\/strong> (Tubi July 4):<\/strong> Between Dangerous Animals<\/em> and Fear Below<\/em><\/a>, this has already been a strong year for shark-attack movies, but the latest from Sharknado<\/em> franchise director Anthony C. Ferrante does not maintain that high standard. Ferrante forgoes the cheesy excess of Sharknado<\/em> for something grittier and more serious, missing the mark entirely. The plot is remarkably similar to another forgettable shark movie from earlier this year, Into the Deep<\/em><\/a>, with a group of criminals attempting to retrieve an air-dropped shipment of drugs from shark-infested waters. That mission puts the criminals in the path of grieving widow Gia (Angela Cole), who\u2019s honoring her late husband by diving and fishing from the boat they bought for their honeymoon. Gia\u2019s tragic backstory is underwhelming, and the drug smugglers are even less interesting, despite efforts to generate conflict within the group. The CGI sharks aren\u2019t remotely convincing or scary, and the performances are just as stiff and phony. A sharknado would have been a welcome distraction from the stilted, suspense-free drama. Grade: C-<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Hot Spring Shark Attack<\/em><\/strong> (VOD and select theaters July 11):<\/strong> Given Japan\u2019s rich history of giant-monster movies, it\u2019s somewhat surprising that there aren\u2019t many Japanese shark movies, since the two subgenres have so much in common. This ultra-campy micro-budget horror comedy is essentially a kaiju version of Jaws<\/em>, complete with an arrogant resort-town mayor who refuses to acknowledge the threat posed by a deadly shark. In this case, it\u2019s a superpowered ancient beast risen from the depths, much like Godzilla and its brethren. This prehistoric shark has a flexible body that it can maneuver into the underground pipes that feed the tourist city\u2019s many hot springs. Writer-director Morihito Inoue starts at utter absurdity and only increases the ridiculousness from there, and it gets a bit exhausting even at under 80 minutes. The movie is so upbeat and enthusiastic that it\u2019s tough to dislike, though, and Inoue makes the typical shark-movie shortcomings endearing. He even somehow turns that buffoonish mayor into the hero, which is a fitting tweak to the shark-movie tradition being both celebrated and parodied. Grade: B-<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Bang<\/em><\/strong> (VOD and select theaters July 11):<\/strong> Directing a movie that\u2019s considered one of the worst ever made is bad enough, but it\u2019s even more embarrassing if you willingly credit yourself as \u201cKaos.\u201d Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever<\/em>\u2019s Wych Kaosayananda now goes by his full name, but he\u2019s still making terrible movies, just with much smaller budgets. Charmless man-slab Jack Kesy stars as the taciturn, blank-faced title character, an assassin working for nebulously defined mobsters who operate out of an antique shop called The Antique Shop. After nearly dying, Bang decides to change his ways, but his flamboyantly evil boss (Peter Weller) isn\u2019t having it. Weller is enjoyably hammy as the jovial crime lord, even putting his Italian Renaissance art history Ph.D. to use by occasionally speaking Italian for no apparent reason. There are no signs of life in the rest of this glum thriller, which doesn\u2019t even deliver any action until it\u2019s nearly over. Bang<\/em> isn\u2019t one of the worst movies ever made, but it might be more enjoyable to watch if it was. Grade: C-<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n