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<\/a>Jan. 6: Underworld: Blood Wars<\/em><\/strong><\/span>\nBy law, the first release of the year must be a bad genre film. This year it’s Underworld: Blood Wars<\/em>‘ turn to (probably) suck.<\/p>\n
Jan. 27: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter<\/em><\/strong><\/span> Feb. 10: Fifty Shades Darker<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/span> Feb. 10: The Lego Batman Movie April 14: The Fate of the Furious<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/span> May 5: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 May 26: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales June 2: The Mummy<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/span> July 7: Spider-Man: Homecoming July 14: War for the Planet of the Apes<\/a>Jan. 20: XXX: Return of Xander Cage<\/em><\/span><\/strong>
\nIn the old days, if you saw a movie labeled “XXX,” you’d expect something pornographic, implausible, and badly acted, and you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you at the theater. Vin Diesel’s XXX<\/em> movies, on the other hand, are not pornographic.<\/p>\n
\nFun fact: no sequel called “The Final Chapter” has ever actually been the final chapter.<\/p>\n
\nDon’t be confused by the title of the Fifty Shades of Grey<\/em> sequel. It’s still about white people.<\/p>\n
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>Batman is for kids again now. Please disregard the last 15 years.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nMarch 3: Logan
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>This is not a Logan Lerman biopic. Sorry, Percy Jackson fans! It’s a movie about a grumpy middle-aged man with knives in his fists. His name is Logan, though he’s better known to comic readers as Knife-Fist.
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\nMarch 17: Beauty and the Beast<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>
\nThis live-action version of the animated Disney musical has already stirred up controversy over the studio’s decision to cast human actors in the roles originally played by enchanted housewares.<\/p>\n<\/a>April 7: Smurfs: The Lost Village<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>
\nIf they were smart, they’d make this a crossover with Trolls<\/em>, maybe have the Smurfs and Trolls intermarry and produce horrific new offspring. That’s a $500 million idea, but Sony ignored it when I wrote it on a brick and threw it through their window.<\/p>\n
\nEveryone’s always been pretty Fast in these movies, but have they really been Furious? Angry, sure. They’re angry a lot. But Furious? That’s a stretch. And now, in part 8, they’re not even Fast anymore? I don’t know. It seems like the series has gotten away from its roots as an action drama about men who had sex with cars.<\/p>\n
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>In response to the feedback they got after Vol. 1, Vol. 2 will consist of nothing but Groot and a quirky soundtrack.<\/p>\n
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>Just like the Disney ride it’s based on, this franchise lasts longer but moves slower than you’d expect, and does not feature an interesting performance by Orlando Bloom.<\/p>\n<\/a>June 2: Wonder Woman
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>And just like that, they ruin the childhood of everyone who grew up watching Wonder Man<\/em>, the show\u00a0about a man in star-spangled panties who deflects bullets with his bracelets and lassos villains with his truth-rope.<\/p>\n
\nTom Cruise stars in this movie about an ancient relic who pursues a mummy.<\/p>\n<\/a>June 23: Transformers: The Last Knight
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>Some of the Transformers films have gone a bit off the rails, but Michael Bay promises this one will be more faithful to the Emily Bronte novels they’re based on.<\/p>\n
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>Will moviegoers ever grow tired of seeing Uncle Ben die? Let’s find out!<\/p>\n
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/span>Let’s be honest, by July we might be OK with letting them take it.<\/p>\n