A few days ago, a picture from Will Smith\u2019s upcoming film Bright<\/i> surfaced. Smith is on set, smiling with a cop\u2019s handlebar mustache and uniform with a medal draped over his chest. Next to him is a similarly-dressed being with mottled green-yellow skin and inhuman features.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, Smith\u2019s new film is a buddy cop movie set in a world where orcs, fairies, and humans live (and serve in uniform, apparently) together. The Rizzoli & Isles & Dungeons & Dragons must work together to protect an all-powerful wand. Hey, it might be good! Well, it\u2019s directed by Suicide Squad <\/i>helmer David Ayer from a script by perennial disappointment Max Landis (American Ultra<\/i>, Victor Frankenstein<\/i>), so maybe not.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n I hope you read all that and never strayed from the main point, which is: Will Smith, why are you doing this to yourself?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Collateral Beauty<\/i>, which opened in December to the lowest box office and second-lowest critical ratings of Smith\u2019s career (its 13% fresh rating beaten by After Earth<\/i>\u2019s 11%), is what we\u2019ve come to expect from a man that was once one of our biggest movie stars. The absurd plots (gaslighting a bereaved man into thinking the metaphysical concepts of Love, Death, and Time want to have a chat) and asinine scripting (he tearfully sings the entirety of \u201cRow, Row, Row Your Boat\u201d to make a point) have become Smith\u2019s masochistic self-typecasting.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n He\u2019s a rich guy (net worth of over $250 million as of 2014) who seems to have his head on straight, speaking out against Donald Trump and Islamophobia. So if you\u2019re not stupid and you\u2019re financially stable (sorry Nicolas Cage), why would you willingly seek projects that make you look like a moron? Why not spend it on something like Gods of Egypt<\/i>? That\u2019s the kind of movie you\u2019d expect from a mogul without motive beyond egotism. All its characters are flying mecha-gods that literally bleed gold.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Thankfully those answers are now here, as a secret conversation between Smith and his agent has come to light.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Will, we\u2019ve got a hit on our hands! Hancock<\/i> is going wild out there \u2014 people love seeing you as a bad boy.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: He\u2019s not a \u201cbad boy,\u201d Dave, he\u2019s a damaged hero. Quietly broken. He\u2019s angry at the world and doesn\u2019t know why.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Neither did the audiences, but they ate it up. But I wanted to talk to you about some of these scripts you\u2019ve been pushing on me. You\u2019re still the biggest movie star out there, baby. You gotta be pickier!<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: What are you saying?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Well I mean, there\u2019s this one you sent over yesterday. I was just thumbing through it. Says here you\u2019re gonna kill yourself by taking a bath with a jellyfish so you can give a blind meat telemarketer your eyes?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: It\u2019s all part of the atonement. The character\u2019s a hero. He also gives bone marrow to a kid \u2014 without anesthesia.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Would a doctor even do that? That seems unethical. Needlessly painful.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: What if I told you he was texting while driving and killed seven people? He EARNED the pain.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Will, you can just be a hero. People like you as a hero! Men in Black<\/i>, Independence Day, The Pursuit of Happyness…<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: I like being in movies, Dave. Sometimes they have to be bittersweet. Like life, Dave.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Yes, I understand that you\u2019re a more mature, serious actor now. What\u2019s this father-son thing you sent over?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH:<\/b> It\u2019s a space adventure about my son being parented from very far away on an alien planet.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Oh, so it\u2019s like a metaphor for Hollywood and how you \u2014<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: I have an accent. A good one. Like they\u2019ll have in the future. Also, he\u2019s not allowed to feel fear.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: What? Like Dune<\/i>? Or Scientology?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: What? Pshh. No. What? What even IS that?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: OK, OK, fine. Moving on. There\u2019s a script that\u2019s been floating around lately that I don\u2019t want you to even look at. A crazy convoluted fable about time-traveling New Yorkers who are in love during the winter or something \u2014 just stay away.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n WILL SMITH<\/b>: Wait, how do they time travel?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n AGENT<\/b>: Will, that\u2019s not important. It\u2019s a bad script. The characters are thin, the plot is insane, and you\u2019re at a place in your career where you can choose better movies to make than ones where a demon head-butts the main character off a bridge.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n