{"id":6383,"date":"2017-02-13T15:00:30","date_gmt":"2017-02-13T20:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=6383"},"modified":"2018-06-28T13:39:48","modified_gmt":"2018-06-28T17:39:48","slug":"bloody-valentines-14-blood-soaked-and-testosterone-fueled-st-valentines-day-massacres","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/bloody-valentines-14-blood-soaked-and-testosterone-fueled-st-valentines-day-massacres\/","title":{"rendered":"Bloody Valentines: 14 Blood-Soaked and Testosterone-Fueled St. Valentine\u2019s Day Massacres"},"content":{"rendered":"

With February 14<\/span>\u00a0once again upon us and Fifty Shades Darker<\/i> siphoning an obscene amount of money out of the pockets of couples in the market for something \u201cromantic,” it\u2019s useful to be reminded that sometimes Hollywood presents audiences with an alternative to the mushy, lovey-dovey stuff. This year brought with it the second chapter of the John Wick<\/i> saga, which may not have beat Fifty Shades<\/i>, but at least it put up a good fight. (And they both lost to The LEGO Batman Movie<\/em>, animation being the one thing more appealing\u00a0than sex or violence.) In honor of John Wick<\/em>‘s\u00a0noble sacrifice, here are 14 more examples of pulse-pounding counter-programming, some of which got the arterial blood spraying while others flamed out spectacularly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>My Bloody Valentine<\/i><\/b> <\/span>(U.S. release date: 2\/11\/81)<\/span><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s only natural to kick off this list with this Canadian slasher, made during the sub-genre\u2019s original cycle when many of Halloween<\/i>\u2019s imitators set their murder sprees around recognizable holidays. My Bloody Valentine<\/i> was the first to capitalize on the most romantic day on the calendar, pitting a psycho in mining gear against a town that unwisely revives its Valentine\u2019s dance 20 years after the mining accident that put a stop to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare? <\/b><\/span><\/h4>\n

Box Office Mojo\u2019s weekend reports don\u2019t go back this far, but My Bloody Valentine<\/i>\u2019s total domestic gross was around $5.6 million. It had enough name recognition that it was remade in 2009, but this time the distributor chose to release it in mid-January, missing the whole point of making a Valentine\u2019s-themed horror film. (See also: Valentine<\/i>, released February 2, 2001. Or don\u2019t. It\u2019s pretty terrible.)<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>The Beast Within<\/i><\/b> (2\/12\/82)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Following in the paw prints of the previous year\u2019s The Howling<\/i> and An American Werewolf in London<\/i>, Phillipe Mora\u2019s The Beast Within<\/i> is beholden to its big showpiece, the transformation of mixed-up teen Paul Clemens into a giant, homicidal insectoid creature. (It\u2019s this lengthy and gratuitous sequence\u2014and others of its ilk\u2014that Mora skewered so mercilessly in Howling III: The Marsupials<\/i>.) Filmed in rural Mississippi, the film cast Ronny Cox and Bibi Besch as Clemens\u2019s concerned parents, who travel to the backwater town where Besch was raped to find out who or what her assailant was, thinking it may be the key to why their son has mysteriously fallen ill. (Spoiler: It was a giant insectoid creature.) Unlike its forebears, the film didn\u2019t spawn any sequels, but that\u2019s probably just as well. Seventeen years is a long time to wait between franchise installments.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

The Beast<\/i> was clobbered by On Golden Pond<\/i>, still raking in the dough in its 11<\/span>th<\/sup><\/span> weekend. The best it could manage was a measly 11<\/span>th<\/sup><\/span>-place finish.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>The Delta Force<\/i><\/b> (2\/14\/86)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Cannon\u2019s entry in the anti-Valentine\u2019s Day sweepstakes is this jingoistic actioner which teamed up a tired-looking Lee Marvin with a bored-looking Chuck Norris. Even though co-writer\/director Menahem Golan based its plot \u2014 about the terrorist hijacking of an airline flight out of the Middle East \u2014 on an actual hostage situation that took place the previous summer, the film enters a high-octane fantasy land in its back half, with reluctant warrior Norris tooling around on a souped-up motorcycle, killing countless faceless foreigners (and terrorist leader Robert Forster) with his front-mounted rocket launchers. Among the hostages the Delta Force rescues are Martin Balsam, Joey Bishop, Lainie Kazan, George Kennedy, and Shelley Winters. None escape with their dignity intact.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

The Delta Force<\/i> only managed to capture third place for the weekend, bested by Down and Out in Beverly Hills<\/i> in its third weekend and The Color Purple<\/i> in its ninth.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>The Fly II<\/i><\/b> (2\/10\/89)<\/span><\/h3>\n

After winning the Academy Award for Best Makeup for his stellar work on David Cronenberg\u2019s The Fly<\/i>, special effects maestro Chris Walas was given the opportunity to direct its sequel, released three years later. New stars Eric Stoltz and Daphne Zuniga were unable to replicate the genuine chemistry of real-life couple Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis, though, and without a beating heart at its center, The Fly II<\/i> is reduced to a parade of gross-outs and uninvolving corporate intrigue. The one time it shows any real sign of life is when Stoltz and Zuniga visit recluse John Getz (the only actor from the original to reprise his role), who\u2019s justifiably bitter about being permanently crippled during the first film\u2019s climax, but at least he has a sense of humor about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

The Fly II<\/i> won the weekend, but suffered an immediate and precipitous drop-off. No one would be clamoring for The Fly III<\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>The Silence of the Lambs<\/i><\/b> (2\/14\/91)<\/span><\/h3>\n

One of the few films released in the dead of winter to clean up at the Academy Awards, Silence<\/i> also broke the mold in a number of other ways. Staying true to the pulpy source material, director Jonathan Demme and screenwriter Ted Tally plumbed the depths of their characters \u2014 aided in no small part by actors Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Scott Glenn, and Ted Levine \u2014 while delivering the requisite scares. The film\u2019s most gruesome sequence, in fact, is the one where Hannibal Lecter escapes from custody, setting in motion the sequels and prequels to come, all of them keyed to Hopkins\u2019s increasingly hammy performance as Lecter. While Red Dragon<\/i> bypassed Valentine\u2019s Day weekend, 2001\u2019s Hannibal<\/i> and 2009\u2019s Hannibal Rising<\/i> aimed right for it, hoping some of Silence<\/i>\u2019s midwinter magic would rub off on them. It did not.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

The lambs would not be silenced at the box office, beating out Sleeping with the Enemy<\/i> in its second weekend and going on to top the chart for the next month.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Dead Alive<\/i><\/b> (2\/12\/93)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Before going mainstream with the fact-based thriller Heavenly Creatures<\/i>, Peter Jackson was the auteur behind a trio of splatter comedies that showcased his talent for devising stomach-churning special effects. This reached its apex with 1992\u2019s Braindead<\/i>, released stateside the following year as Dead Alive<\/i> and shorn of seven minutes of footage that has yet to be seen here. Whether it\u2019s character-based scenes or over-the-top gore, there\u2019s plenty of both to go around as Jackson and co-writers Fran Walsh and Stephen Sinclair dig into their story of a hapless mama\u2019s boy whose domineering mother continues to make his life hell after she dies, coming back as a zombie with a lethal bite capable of turning a house party into a bloody free-for-all. They also end on one of the grossest depictions of a mother\u2019s smothering love imaginable, so it\u2019s a good thing Trimark Pictures chose to put this out for Valentine\u2019s Day and not, say, Mother\u2019s Day.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Groundhog Day<\/i> ruled the roost, but Dead Alive<\/i> had the third-best per screen average for the weekend, getting Jackson\u2019s foot in Hollywood\u2019s door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Collateral Damage<\/i><\/b> (2\/8\/02)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Originally slated to come out in October 2001, this terrorism-themed action film had its release pushed back four months when it was determined some elements of its story (including the hijacking of a plane) wouldn\u2019t fly so soon after the 9\/11 attacks. A long-in-the-tooth Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a heroic, selfless Los Angeles firefighter (introduced rescuing an old woman trapped in a burning building, in case the audience wasn\u2019t sure how it\u2019s supposed to feel about firefighters) whose wife and son are killed in a terrorist bombing. This prompts Arnie to travel to Colombia on a lone-wolf mission to kill a guerrilla leader nicknamed \u201cEl Lobo,\u201d leading to multiple people drawing comparisons between them. Aiding and abetting is an overqualified cast including Elias Koteas (as a rogue CIA agent), John Turturro (as a sarcastic Canadian mechanic), and John Leguizamo (as a motor-mouthed drug kingpin), all of whom give the film a lift whenever they\u2019re onscreen, but otherwise it\u2019s a leaden affair punctuated by explosions and tedious gunfights.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

While it topped the charts its opening weekend, Collateral Damage<\/i> slipped to fifth place the next and slunk out of theaters with a paltry $40 million, less than half its production budget. And it did even worse overseas, hastening the end of Schwarzenegger\u2019s reign as America\u2019s preeminent action star.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Final Destination 3<\/i><\/b> (2\/10\/06)<\/span><\/h3>\n

After sitting out Final Destination 2<\/i>, writer\/director James Wong and co-writer Glen Morgan returned to the dead-teenager franchise they started to shepherd another group of unwary teens toward their gory deaths. This time out, instead of a plane crash or a freeway pileup, a poorly maintained roller coaster is the vehicle of their demise, but premonition-prone protagonist Mary Elizabeth Winstead has a freak-out that prevents her and nine of her peers from meeting their grisly ends right away. Instead, death has to pick them off by ones and twos, employing increasingly absurd Rube Goldberg-like chain reactions to get the job done. It\u2019s no great shakes as a horror film, but viewed as a comedy Final Destination 3<\/i> is actually pretty funny, and the kills are creative enough (hello, tanning beds) to sustain the premise for 85 minutes sans credits. Any longer, though, and it would have definitely worn out its welcome.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

While it was destined to be beaten by the remake of The Pink Panther<\/i>, this was not to be the franchise\u2019s final outing as it managed to double its budget domestically, leading to two more sequels.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Friday the 13<\/i><\/b><\/span>th<\/sup><\/i><\/b><\/span> (2\/13\/09)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Considering it\u2019s tied to such a specific date on the calendar, it\u2019s surprising that only five of the twelve entries in the Friday the 13<\/i><\/span>th<\/sup><\/i><\/span> series have been released on a Friday the 13<\/span>th<\/sup><\/span>. And the only one to come out Valentine\u2019s Day weekend was the 2009 reboot made by Michael Bay\u2019s Platinum Dunes production company and director Marcus Nispel, who ported over the grimy aesthetic from his Texas Chainsaw Massacre<\/i> remake. Dispensing with the notion that it\u2019s going to be a facsimile of the 1980 original, this Friday<\/i> spends about 40 minutes rooting around in Part 2<\/i> by having its Jason Voorhees take out a group of horny and\/or pot-addled teens while wearing a makeshift hood before he stumbles onto his iconic hockey mask, leaving the audience to continue counting his victims until he reaches 13. Then the movie can pretend to kill him off and end. Lather, rinse, repeat.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Unsurprisingly, the twelfth Friday<\/i> won the four-day weekend, its $43.5 million haul more than doubling its $19 million budget. It still wound up being a dead end for the franchise, though, which was in the process of being rebooted yet again this year before Paramount elected to pull the plug.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>The Wolfman<\/i><\/b> (2\/12\/10)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Once upon a time, Lawrence Talbot was all set to go head-to-head with Jason Voorhees, but in the midst of its turbulent production (which saw original director Mark Romanek replaced by Joe Johnston at the last minute), The Wolfman<\/i>\u2019s release was postponed a couple months, then pushed back twice more until it landed on the next<\/i> Valentine\u2019s Day weekend, when its competition was \u2026 Valentine\u2019s Day<\/i>. The first of Garry Marshall\u2019s sappy, holiday-themed ensemble comedies, it had one up on the tepid romance between Benicio Del Toro\u2019s Lawrence and his chaste love interest, played by Emily Blunt. Of course, it didn\u2019t help that Universal\u2019s tinkering stunted their relationship\u2019s development, rushing the story to get to the first transformation scene that much sooner. What the execs didn\u2019t realize was if the audience doesn\u2019t get to know the characters first, they won\u2019t particularly care when one changes into a vicious, hairy beast.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Not only did Valentine\u2019s Day<\/i> come out on top by a wide margin, but to add insult to injury, The Wolfman<\/i> couldn\u2019t even best the second Percy Jackson<\/i> movie.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>A Good Day to Die Hard<\/i><\/b> (2\/14\/13)<\/span><\/h3>\n

The fifth time was not the charm when Bruce Willis overestimated America\u2019s eagerness to hear him say \u201cyippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers\u201d to yet another group of greedy evildoers a quarter-century after the first Die Hard<\/i> hit movie screens. Compounding its crimes against cinema and good taste is A Good Day<\/i>\u2019s attempt to get the audience on board with the idea of Jai Courtney taking over the franchise by introducing him as John McClane\u2019s estranged son Jack, a CIA operative on a secret mission in Russia when dear old Dad flies over to help him out of a jam. \u201cTry not to make a big mess of things,\u201d says daughter Mary Elizabeth Winstead (returning from 2007\u2019s Live Free or Die Hard<\/i>), so of course that\u2019s what he proceeds to do, cracking wise while father and son bond over their mutual love of killing bad guys and director John Moore revels in enough vehicular destruction to make Blues Brothers<\/i>-era John Landis jealous.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

It was not a good day for Willis to return to the franchise that made him a bankable star. While it narrowly won the weekend, its domestic gross fell well short of its $92 million budget, so if there\u2019s going to be a Die Hard 6<\/i>, it\u2019s going to be made primarily for the foreign market.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>RoboCop<\/i><\/b> (2\/12\/14)<\/span><\/h3>\n

The world wasn\u2019t crying out for a RoboCop<\/i> remake in 2014, but it got one all the same. Retrofitted with commentary on drone warfare and the U.S.\u2019s misadventures in the Middle East, Joshua Zetumer\u2019s screenplay brings Edward Neumeier and Michael Miner\u2019s story kicking and screaming into the 21<\/span>st<\/sup><\/span> century, but loses much of its satirical intent in the process. (The few vestiges that remain of the original\u2019s sharp media critique are to be found in the scenes with Samuel L. Jackson\u2019s hawkish cable news host.) Saddled with a ballooning budget, director Jos\u00e9 Padilha was required to deliver a film with a PG-13 rating, further blunting its impact and satisfying few fans of Paul Verhoeven\u2019s dystopian fantasy, which still holds up even as it approaches its 30<\/span>th<\/sup><\/span> anniversary.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

The RoboCop<\/i> remake no one wanted came in third for the long weekend, beaten by The LEGO Movie<\/i> in its second weekend and the remake of About Last Night<\/i>. All was not lost, though, as it still topped the remake of Endless Love<\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Kingsman: The Secret Service<\/i><\/b> (2\/13\/15)<\/span><\/h3>\n

Fully aware that little was going to stop the Fifty Shades of Grey<\/i> juggernaut, Fox countered with Matthew Vaughn\u2019s second adaptation of a graphic novel by Mark (Kick-Ass<\/i>) Millar. True to bone-crunching form, Kingsman<\/i> is a hyperviolent riposte to the suave James Bonds of the world, leaning into its R rating with bloody close-quarters combat and lizard-brain-satisfying head explosions. It\u2019s all very glossy and intentionally unrealistic, but there\u2019s an emptiness as its core that the performances of the game cast \u2014 including Colin Firth, Michael Caine, and Samuel L. Jackson (as a lisping internet billionaire with a diabolical plan to save the planet) \u2014 simply can\u2019t disguise.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Kingsman<\/i> had no choice but to lie back and think of England while it was crushed by Fifty Shades<\/i>, but it held on to second place for two more weekends and outlasted its direct competition in theaters by two whole months. It\u2019s no wonder we\u2019re getting Kingsman: The Golden Circle<\/i> later this year.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"\"<\/a>Deadpool<\/i><\/b> (2\/12\/16)<\/span><\/h3>\n

To paraphrase Mel Brooks, if there\u2019s one thing Hollywood likes more than making money, it\u2019s making a shitload of money. Hence, Deadpool<\/i>\u2019s mega-success this time last year led to announcements that more R-rated superhero movies would be coming down the pike, and the expectation that movies aimed squarely at guys would continue to get slotted into the Valentine\u2019s Day release window for the foreseeable future. It\u2019s unlikely any will be as riotously profane and self-aware as this one, though. Deadpool<\/i> may not please everybody, nor was it intended to, but moviegoers weary of Marvel\u2019s house style and DC\u2019s desaturated palette sure appreciated its commitment to being colorful in every sense of the word.<\/span><\/p>\n

How Did It Fare?<\/b> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Deadpool<\/i> slew the competition three weekends running, easily besting the likes of How to Be Single<\/i>, Zoolander 2<\/i>, Risen<\/i>, and Gods of Egypt<\/i> on its way to a domestic gross of $363 million, coming in sixth place for the year. It also boasts the best opening weekend in the month of February and the best opening weekend ever for an R-rated movie. Not bad, Captain Deadpool.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Craig J. Clark<\/a> bleeds and loves in Bloomington, Ind.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Image credit: Nate Koehler<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With February 14\u00a0once again upon us and Fifty Shades Darker siphoning an obscene amount of money out of the pockets […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":463,"featured_media":6384,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1381],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6383","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6383","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/463"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6383"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6383\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6384"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}