The Fate of the Furious<\/i> opens this weekend, and while reviews have been mixed it\u2019s safe to say the film continues the trend of this being the most absurd and unlikely franchise since Police Academy<\/i>\u2019s eight-film reign. The Fast<\/i> movies found their second wind after shifting from street racing to ridiculous action and heists, so inspired by their success I\u2019m here to pitch a few more types of films that could benefit from a heist-related reboot.<\/p>\n The world sees them as monsters, but after years of living up to the label they’re ready for a change. Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Frankenstein’s monster (who recently applied to have his name officially changed to Jeff in the hopes that he\u2019ll stop getting the doctor\u2019s mail) learn of the existence of an ancient relic capable of permanently reverting monsters\u00a0back to their true human forms. The only problem? It’s currently in a vault on the top floor of a high-rise building owned by the Van Helsing Corporation. It’s been hidden away for nearly a century, and the famed monster-hunters have no intention of giving up the key to their profitable family business without a fight.<\/span><\/p>\n A brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel, and a recluse. They haven’t spoken a word to each other in three years of high school, but that changes when their least favorite teacher brings them together for an unofficial assignment. He instructs them through a series of seemingly unconnected tasks, and the teens realize too late that they’re being set up to take the fall for a crime. With the police closing in and prom right around the corner, the five strangers are forced to work together to save themselves and each other. Along the way they discover that maybe, just maybe, each of them is a brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel, and a recluse \u2026 but only one of them is a murderer.<\/span><\/p>\n Jeanie is the new kid in town, and if that isn\u2019t bad enough she\u2019s also something of a geek in love with science and comic books alike. She\u2019s thrilled to find some friendly faces at the library, including Timmy, who loves building robots; Marv, who\u2019s fascinated by the physics behind Bruce Lee\u2019s ability to beat enemies who outweigh and outnumber him; and Shelly, who sees no reason to walk on the ground when she can be using her gadgets to climb walls and glide through the air. Jeanie\u2019s excitement is tempered, though, when she learns that the neighborhood bully has stolen something from each of them, and when he takes one of her prized comics the new friends decide enough is enough. It\u2019s time to get their stuff back and teach the jerk a lesson, even if that means breaking into his heavily-alarmed house in a gated community and avoiding his dad (who happens to be Jeanie\u2019s mom\u2019s new boss).<\/span><\/p>\n Four old friends (William Atherton, Paul Gleason, Lane Smith, and JT Walsh), all ex-actors, reunite after years apart when they attend\u00a0the funeral of the agent they all shared. What should have been a short trip is extended, though, when they discover something that affected all of their acting careers: their constant typecasting as supporting pricks and villains was no accident. Someone made it happen, someone who kept them from landing bigger roles, and that same someone (Tommy Lee Jones) is currently up for a Best Actor Oscar at the upcoming Academy Awards. Long known for playing jerks onscreen, these four old cranky bastards are about to show the world just how sneaky and mean they can get. (Note: Yes, some of these guys are currently dead, but we live in a world where Peter Cushing played a supporting role in a new Star Wars<\/i> movie, so let me have this.)<\/span><\/p>\n It should have been a simple bust, but when a veteran detective crosses the wrong criminal kingpin he finds himself framed for a crime and thrown in prison. His eyes opened to the easily corrupted system, he realizes too late that not everyone behind bars deserves to be there. Knowing he\u2019s a marked man on the inside and his time is limited, his partner puts a plan in motion to break him back out. It won\u2019t be easy, though, and after a few failed attempts she discovers what\u2019s missing from their various plans: in order for these cops to break in and out of jail they\u2019re going to need the help of a few crooks. <\/span><\/p>\n Kathy, Trudy, Sally, and Marge meet every Thursday for book club, and it doesn\u2019t even bother them when their spouses and kids poke fun at their \u201cboring\u201d ladies night and cheesy book selections. The women read books all right, but they\u2019re reference materials to help them plan and execute perfect, risk-free bank robberies. They\u2019re doing it just to prove they can, not for the money, but their weekly dose of self-empowerment takes a turn when Sally\u2019s abusive husband discovers their secret. Where they usually return half the money and donate the rest, he wants it all, and the friends soon realize this may lead to their first book club selection with an unhappy ending.<\/span><\/p>\n John was a legendary safecracker in his day before leaving the criminal life for good. When he gets word that his younger brother Jack has gotten in deep with some local thugs, his nimble fingers are forced back into action. They need John to open the most secure safe in the most protected building in town, and Jack\u2019s life depends on his big brother\u2019s ability to dust off skills he swore he\u2019d never use again. It was supposed to be one last robbery, one last score, but suddenly it all went wrong with the twist of the dial.<\/span><\/p>\nUniversal Monsters movie: The Boo Crew<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
John Hughes-like teen movie: The Afterschool Specials<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
Kids\u2019 movie: Techies<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
Hollywood satire:\u00a0Character Types<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
Cop movie: Blue Balls<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
Chick flick:\u00a0Moms<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
M. Night Shyamalan movie: Twist<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n
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