{"id":7202,"date":"2017-05-08T17:27:19","date_gmt":"2017-05-08T21:27:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=7202"},"modified":"2018-06-28T13:37:18","modified_gmt":"2018-06-28T17:37:18","slug":"the-alien-sequels-by-famous-directors-that-well-never-see","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/the-alien-sequels-by-famous-directors-that-well-never-see\/","title":{"rendered":"The Alien<\/i> Sequels by Famous Directors That We’ll Never See"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/i>Everyone knows how filmmaker-driven the Alien<\/i> franchise has been. Yes, even your Aunt Beth knows this. The series started the careers of Hollywood mainstays Ridley Scott, James Cameron, and David Fincher, besides giving French wunderkind Jean-Pierre Jeunet a shot at a big-budget blockbuster. Most astonishing of all is the fact that the genius Paul Anderson directed Alien Vs Preda–<\/i>\u00a0sorry, never mind, that\u00a0was the other one. Still, the Alien<\/i>s have one heck of a track record. Now that Ridley Scott claims to be exclusively directing the series from now on, I fired up the ol’ Alternate Universe Projector (patent pending) to get a look at the other Alien<\/i> sequels made by auteurs that we’ve missed out on. Here are but a few:<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Coen Brothers’\u00a0What’s Inside Llewyn Davis<\/i><\/span><\/h4>\n

A struggling folk artist wanders New York City in the 60s, dying to let what’s in his heart burst out of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Quentin Tarantino’s\u00a0The Hateful Eighth Passenger<\/i><\/span><\/h4>\n

70mm film really brings out the vibrant colors of this gritty Western tale featuring a bounty hunter, a female prisoner, several secret criminals, and a Xenomorph trapped on a stagecoach.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Richard Linklater’s Alienhood<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

Shot over the course of 12 years, we watch in real time as a Xeno nest goes from egg, to drone, to Queen, and marvel at how their victims change along with them.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Damien Chazelle’s Ahh! AHHH! Land<\/i><\/span><\/h4>\n

A throwback to old Hollywood musicals that centers around the doomed relationship between an aspiring actress and an acid-drooling starbeast, who learned to play piano for the role!<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stanley Kubrick’s Proboscis Wide Shut<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

After learning that its host has been unfaithful, a face-hugger wanders the cold NYC streets, ending up at a ritualistic orgy.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Martin Scorsese’s The Queen Alien of Comedy<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

An aspiring comedian attempts to gain success by stalking her idol. And everybody else, really.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Woody Allen’s Starbeast Memories<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

A filmmaker attends a retrospective of his work, remembering the harrowing encounter with the hellish Alien that inspired his films.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Wes Anderson’s Rush, More!<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

A precocious 15-year-old becomes infatuated with his private-school teacher, but then finds himself competing for her affections against his only friend, a Xenomorph. The Alien wins.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Tim Burton’s Alien in Wonderland<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

Adapted from the classic story by Lewis Carroll, Burton’s Alien finds itself in a magical land where it can stalk and eat a variety of exotic treats, including a vanishing cat, a neurotic rabbit, and Johnny Depp.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Clint Eastwood’s Acid Blood Work<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

A retired FBI profiler discovers that the clues to the identity of a serial killer lie in a Xeno’s blood. Unfortunately, the blood proves difficult to handle.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spike Jonze’s Breeding John Malkovich<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

In this quirky indie, a face-hugger finds a secret portal whereby it can enter famous actor John Malkovich. Spoiler: it’s his mouth.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Guillermo del Toro’s The Alien’s Backbones<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

Set during the Spanish Civil War, an orphanage is besieged by poverty, thieves, and an Alien. The real horror may be war, but it’s also the Alien. Mostly the Alien.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Werner Herzog’s Bad Xenomorph: Port of Call New Orleans<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

A perfect killing organism investigates crimes, when he’s not gambling or taking drugs. Nicolas Cage gives a riveting performance as the Alien.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

Steven Spielberg’s E.T. : The Extra-Terrestrial<\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

The same movie, but with a much happier ending: the \u201cextra-terrestrial\u201d decides to stay this time! Oh. It’s happier for the Alien, anyway. Sorry.<\/span><\/p>\n

.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Bill Bria<\/a> lives in New York City, where everyone can hear you scream.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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