The Pitch Meeting for The Mummy<\/i><\/span><\/h3>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC:<\/b> Good morning, gentlemen!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1:<\/b> Some of us are ladies.<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No time for that, there’s urgent news! The bosses upstairs want us to take characters that Universal already owns and develop a franchise centered on growling, subhuman monsters unbound by the laws of physics. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2:<\/b> Besides Fast and the Furious<\/i>? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT:<\/b> They want something more realistic. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3:<\/b> So why are we talking about it here? Why didn’t this get sent to the reboot department? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2:<\/b> Yeah, this is usually a meeting for fresh, new ideas, like “What if there were a spy named Jason Bourne?” or “What if we made a cartoon?” <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I know, but this is important and the head honchos want their best men on it.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>And women.<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Time permitting, yes. Anyway, it won’t be difficult. The idea they gave us can’t miss. Think of the hottest, hippest, scariest monsters in our culture today.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>The Babadook? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>Eric Trump? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>People who say “fam”? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No…<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>Slenderman? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>The lady behind the dumpster in Mulholland Drive<\/i>? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>The electoral college? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No! You’re not thinking big enough. Think: “most famous monsters OF ALL TIME!” Think: “legendary Universal Pictures films from the golden age of Hollyw–” <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>NO!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>NOT AGAIN!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>WHY?!<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>That’s right! We’re going back to the Universal monsters of the ’30s and ’40s!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>THEY AREN’T SCARY!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>YOU’RE THE MONSTER!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN US?!<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Come on, you Danny Downers! What’s the problem here? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>It’s Debbie Downer.<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I don’t see gender. The Universal monsters are loved by everyone, across all demographics. I’ve talked to 80-year-olds who love them; I’ve talked to 100-year-olds who love them. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>It’s true. “Please make another Frankenstein movie” is one of the most common last requests of people in late-stage dementia. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Nursing homes are thick with the anguished cries of the dying: “If only I’d lived long enough to see one more Dracula!”<\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Screen-Shot-2016-12-05-at-10.54.49-AM.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Fine, but what about young people? I understand young people are going to the movies now too. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Yes, and we’ll lure them in by promising to deliver what they love: a prefabricated franchise where the titles and release dates are announced before any story ideas have been conceived. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>That\u2019s what today’s youth crave! It’s all fidget spinners and franchises now. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Teens won’t pay attention to a movie unless they know in advance that there will be at least three more movies exactly like it but of increasingly lesser quality.<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Now, I’m thinking we should kick things off with the most terrifying and iconic of the Universal monsters…<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Frankenstein?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>Dracula?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>The Wolf Man?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>The Invisible Man?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>The Semi-Visible Man? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>Norman Bates?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Bride of Chucky? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>Bridget Jones?<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>The Mummy! <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Oh. Sure, OK. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>I know for a fact that Brendan Fraser is available. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>We’re getting Tom Cruise.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>Tom Cruise!<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>His only stipulation was that we let him run from things, be in zero gravity, and have a scene where he gets to hold his breath underwater. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>We might<\/i> have told him it’s a Mission: Impossibl<\/em>e movie. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>How’d you distract him from the truth?<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>We held the meeting next to a big pile of money and a pool boy. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Ah, yes. The Travolta stratagem. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>Well, could Brendan Fraser stop by the set sometime, just to say hi? I’m asking for Brendan Fraser.<\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/the-mummy-2017-photo004.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>Wouldn’t The Mummy<\/i> have to be set in Egypt? That sounds … you know … ethnic.<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No problem. The plane carrying the mummy crashes in England so the movie can still be about white people. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>That’s the best idea I’ve heard since “What if we made a second cartoon?”<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I’ve got another twist, too. The mummy? She’s a woman.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>A female<\/i> woman??<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>I hear women are also going to the movies now!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>We’ll win the Oscar for Most Woke!<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>So who does Tom Cruise play? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Tom Cruise plays the swaggering, adventure-seeking hero who finds the mummy — only instead of a hero he’s a reckless, dunder-headed, anti-intellectual a-hole who steals antiquities and cares only about himself. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>But at some point we establish he has a good heart? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Nope. In fact, we keep making it clear that deep down inside he’s NOT a good person. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>But in the end he’s punished? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Yes, if by “punished” you mean “given unlimited power.”<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Oh, I see. He has no moral compass, he’s awful, and he doesn’t get what he deserves, but it’s OK —<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC:\u00a0<\/b>— because he’s Tom Cruise. Exactly. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>We’ve always wanted to test the theory of whether people would see a movie just because Tom Cruise is in it. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>Uh, remember the Jack Reacher sequel?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>I do not.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>So an irredeemable moron who’s too young and flippant to be persuasively played by Tom Cruise wakes up an ancient mummy. And then what? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>The mummy spends the rest of the movie trying to hook up with him. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>So our badass female monster is just another woman who’s obsessed with a guy? <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Obsessed with TOM CRUISE!<\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Who has better romantic chemistry than Tom Cruise and a beautiful woman 20 years his junior?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>A block of cheese and a beautiful woman?<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>A ferret and Liza Minnelli? <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #1: <\/b>So how does this tie in with the other Universal monsters? Let me guess — Dr. Jekyll goes around like Nick Fury, recruiting monster Avengers? <\/span><\/p>\n(All laugh at the idea.)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Yes, exactly.<\/span><\/p>\n(<\/i>PRODUCER #1<\/i><\/b> leaps through open window to her death.)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Filming began yesterday, so we’d better get started on the screenplay. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Wake up the typewriter monkeys! We’ll need all one thousand of them to make this work. <\/span><\/p>\nUNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Oh, and the second or third sequel will probably need to have live-action Minions, so start preparing yourselves emotionally for that. <\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #2: <\/b>I would quit this job, but I need the benefits.<\/span><\/p>\nPRODUCER #3: <\/b>Me too. You can\u2019t beat Universal healthcare.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nEric D. Snider<\/a> lives in Portland, always likes to end with the dumbest joke.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
PRODUCER #1:<\/b> Some of us are ladies.<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No time for that, there’s urgent news! The bosses upstairs want us to take characters that Universal already owns and develop a franchise centered on growling, subhuman monsters unbound by the laws of physics. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2:<\/b> Besides Fast and the Furious<\/i>? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT:<\/b> They want something more realistic. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3:<\/b> So why are we talking about it here? Why didn’t this get sent to the reboot department? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2:<\/b> Yeah, this is usually a meeting for fresh, new ideas, like “What if there were a spy named Jason Bourne?” or “What if we made a cartoon?” <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I know, but this is important and the head honchos want their best men on it.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>And women.<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Time permitting, yes. Anyway, it won’t be difficult. The idea they gave us can’t miss. Think of the hottest, hippest, scariest monsters in our culture today.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>The Babadook? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>Eric Trump? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>People who say “fam”? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No…<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>Slenderman? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>The lady behind the dumpster in Mulholland Drive<\/i>? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>The electoral college? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No! You’re not thinking big enough. Think: “most famous monsters OF ALL TIME!” Think: “legendary Universal Pictures films from the golden age of Hollyw–” <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>NO!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>NOT AGAIN!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>WHY?!<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>That’s right! We’re going back to the Universal monsters of the ’30s and ’40s!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>THEY AREN’T SCARY!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>YOU’RE THE MONSTER!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN US?!<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Come on, you Danny Downers! What’s the problem here? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>It’s Debbie Downer.<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I don’t see gender. The Universal monsters are loved by everyone, across all demographics. I’ve talked to 80-year-olds who love them; I’ve talked to 100-year-olds who love them. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>It’s true. “Please make another Frankenstein movie” is one of the most common last requests of people in late-stage dementia. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Nursing homes are thick with the anguished cries of the dying: “If only I’d lived long enough to see one more Dracula!”<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Fine, but what about young people? I understand young people are going to the movies now too. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Yes, and we’ll lure them in by promising to deliver what they love: a prefabricated franchise where the titles and release dates are announced before any story ideas have been conceived. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>That\u2019s what today’s youth crave! It’s all fidget spinners and franchises now. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Teens won’t pay attention to a movie unless they know in advance that there will be at least three more movies exactly like it but of increasingly lesser quality.<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Now, I’m thinking we should kick things off with the most terrifying and iconic of the Universal monsters…<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Frankenstein?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>Dracula?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>The Wolf Man?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>The Invisible Man?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>The Semi-Visible Man? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>Norman Bates?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Bride of Chucky? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>Bridget Jones?<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>The Mummy! <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Oh. Sure, OK. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>I know for a fact that Brendan Fraser is available. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>We’re getting Tom Cruise.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>Tom Cruise!<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>His only stipulation was that we let him run from things, be in zero gravity, and have a scene where he gets to hold his breath underwater. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>We might<\/i> have told him it’s a Mission: Impossibl<\/em>e movie. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>How’d you distract him from the truth?<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>We held the meeting next to a big pile of money and a pool boy. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Ah, yes. The Travolta stratagem. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>Well, could Brendan Fraser stop by the set sometime, just to say hi? I’m asking for Brendan Fraser.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>Wouldn’t The Mummy<\/i> have to be set in Egypt? That sounds … you know … ethnic.<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>No problem. The plane carrying the mummy crashes in England so the movie can still be about white people. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>That’s the best idea I’ve heard since “What if we made a second cartoon?”<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>I’ve got another twist, too. The mummy? She’s a woman.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>A female<\/i> woman??<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>I hear women are also going to the movies now!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>We’ll win the Oscar for Most Woke!<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>So who does Tom Cruise play? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Tom Cruise plays the swaggering, adventure-seeking hero who finds the mummy — only instead of a hero he’s a reckless, dunder-headed, anti-intellectual a-hole who steals antiquities and cares only about himself. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>But at some point we establish he has a good heart? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Nope. In fact, we keep making it clear that deep down inside he’s NOT a good person. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>But in the end he’s punished? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Yes, if by “punished” you mean “given unlimited power.”<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Oh, I see. He has no moral compass, he’s awful, and he doesn’t get what he deserves, but it’s OK —<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC:\u00a0<\/b>— because he’s Tom Cruise. Exactly. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>We’ve always wanted to test the theory of whether people would see a movie just because Tom Cruise is in it. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>Uh, remember the Jack Reacher sequel?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>I do not.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>So an irredeemable moron who’s too young and flippant to be persuasively played by Tom Cruise wakes up an ancient mummy. And then what? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>The mummy spends the rest of the movie trying to hook up with him. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>So our badass female monster is just another woman who’s obsessed with a guy? <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Obsessed with TOM CRUISE!<\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Who has better romantic chemistry than Tom Cruise and a beautiful woman 20 years his junior?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>A block of cheese and a beautiful woman?<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>A ferret and Liza Minnelli? <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #1: <\/b>So how does this tie in with the other Universal monsters? Let me guess — Dr. Jekyll goes around like Nick Fury, recruiting monster Avengers? <\/span><\/p>\n (All laugh at the idea.)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Yes, exactly.<\/span><\/p>\n (<\/i>PRODUCER #1<\/i><\/b> leaps through open window to her death.)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Filming began yesterday, so we’d better get started on the screenplay. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC\u2019S ASSISTANT: <\/b>Wake up the typewriter monkeys! We’ll need all one thousand of them to make this work. <\/span><\/p>\n UNIVERSAL EXEC: <\/b>Oh, and the second or third sequel will probably need to have live-action Minions, so start preparing yourselves emotionally for that. <\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #2: <\/b>I would quit this job, but I need the benefits.<\/span><\/p>\n PRODUCER #3: <\/b>Me too. You can\u2019t beat Universal healthcare.<\/span><\/p>\n Eric D. Snider<\/a> lives in Portland, always likes to end with the dumbest joke.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n
\n