{"id":7448,"date":"2017-06-19T15:44:30","date_gmt":"2017-06-19T19:44:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=7448"},"modified":"2018-06-28T13:35:52","modified_gmt":"2018-06-28T17:35:52","slug":"our-movie-themed-amusement-park","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/our-movie-themed-amusement-park\/","title":{"rendered":"Our Movie-Themed Amusement Park"},"content":{"rendered":"

The time of year has come when we dutiful Americans shove our families into tightly packed cars and head off to giant, overpriced amusement parks! Crying children in the back, sleeping spouse in the passenger seat, and a strong urge to drive headlong into an eighteen wheeler if only to save yourself from the agony of watching Darth Vader do a dance number to various hits from the 1980s!<\/span><\/p>\n

But what if there was a new place, an amusement park that shies away from the obvious movie brands to bring in something just for you, the smart Crooked Scoreboard reader who demands that the world be a little more interesting and a little less franchise? You\u2019re in luck! We\u2019re working on the funding for the Cooked Scoreboard Amusement Park, and because we love you so much, we\u2019re giving you an early look at some of the rides and attractions!<\/span><\/p>\n

Get the Nightcrawler<\/i> Discount or the Gone Girl<\/i><\/b> Experience!<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Face it, the tickets to a park like this are getting to the point where a family of four needs to take out a second mortgage just to spend the weekend waiting in lines, and we\u2019re not going to be any different. With an average ticket price of $150 a person, you\u2019ll want to get as many discounts as you can, and that\u2019s where our Nightcrawler <\/i>Special comes in! Before you enter the park, be sure to try and snap a few pics of someone in pain or, even better, a crying child! The closer you get to the action, the better the discount, so get right in their faces!<\/span><\/p>\n

And moms, if you\u2019re on the verge of murdering your precious darlings and useless husband, for a nominal fee you can get the Gone Girl<\/i> Experience! We\u2019ll make it look like you\u2019ve been kidnapped, and while your family spends the weekend in the hotel room crying and dealing with fake cops, you\u2019ll be drinking mimosas at our indoor beach!<\/span><\/p>\n

Open Water <\/i>Slide<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

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Speaking of the indoor beach, don\u2019t forget to check out our Open Water<\/i> slide! With two slides, there\u2019s almost no wait, which is good because once an hour, when the whistle blows, the last two people in the water are trapped to deal with jellyfish and sharks. If you can survive being in the water with the hungry great whites for 10 minutes, you\u2019ll get a free shirt!<\/span><\/p>\n

Good Will Dancing<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Do you like janitors who are awesome at math and know how to bop to the beat? If so, our Good Will Hunting<\/i> Dance Show is just for you! Watch Sean help Will learn how to get over his years of abuse and win the heart of Skylar with some sweet moves set to the awesome songs of Journey and Lita Ford! <\/span><\/p>\n

Uh-oh! Those rich smart kids are at the bar again. Looks like Will and Chuckie will have to teach them to like these apples as they rock out to the Ramones! If you get pulled onstage but can\u2019t dance, don\u2019t worry \u2014 Sean will remind you that it\u2019s not your fault.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eat Up<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

All that dancing may have left you and the family feeling a little peckish, so why not head off to some of our best themed restaurants? Carb up with some Italian food at the Paradise restaurant from Big Night. <\/i>At the end of each night, if the restaurant hasn\u2019t made enough money, we force the kitchen staff to move to Italy! <\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re worried about spending too much loot on subpar food, head over to Noah\u2019s for some 2-for-1 specials! Like the Darren Aronofsky film, our menu is based on animals that may or may not have existed at some time. Is it real meat? Our servers would love to warn you, but they can\u2019t be heard through their rock angel uniforms!<\/span><\/p>\n

The Master<\/i> Swing<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Now that you\u2019ve got all that food in your tum-tum, why not see if gravity can pull it out of you? Jump on the biggest swing in the park as it brings you back and forth from the window to the wall! The ride won\u2019t stop until every person on it fully believes that we at Crooked Scoreboard know what is best for you. Or until everyone pukes. Whichever comes first.<\/span><\/p>\n

Snowpiercer<\/i> Tram<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

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Getting around this big old park can really tire you out, so why not get on our Snowpiercer<\/i> tram? On occasion, when the tram breaks down, one lucky child passenger gets to spend the rest of their life riding the train for free! Everyone else can get off any time they want, but be warned, the conductor is a real jerk.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sleep of the Dead<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Ready for a nap? Why not head over to our special Buried<\/i> beds and lay down for a bit. It\u2019ll be a tight squeeze, but you\u2019ll never feel more rested, right up until we wake you up with a snake in your casket bed!<\/span><\/p>\n

One out of every 70 people will never be let out!<\/span><\/p>\n

The Driving Miss Daisy <\/i>3D Adventure<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

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Get ready for the ride of your life when you experience our 3D motion ride based on the hit movie Driving Miss Daisy<\/i>! Let Hoke Colburn drive you through town and experience everything that made the movie a non-stop thrill ride! You\u2019ll get so close to Hoke\u2019s pumpkin pie, you\u2019ll swear you can almost taste it!<\/span><\/p>\n

Celebrity Shooting Gallery<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Grab Atticus\u2019 rifle and start taking down those rabid dogs, mockingbirds, and Bob Ewell if necessary! Hit the targets for your chance to win a Boo Radley stuffed doll to keep you safe at night! <\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe you want to try something harder? Why not make like Travis Bickle and take on the pimps and drug dealers of New York? Get them all and you\u2019ll win a mohawk wig! Just don\u2019t hit Jodie Foster!<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Fast and Furious<\/i> Bumper Cars<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Look, we need something that will bring in the money, and as much as we wanted to keep away from the big names, who doesn\u2019t love the Fast and Furious <\/i>films? Now\u2019s your chance to live out your dream of riding with Dominic Toretto and the gang! But look out, Cipher could take control of your bumper car at any moment!<\/span><\/p>\n

After all of that, you\u2019re sure to be ready for bed. Sadly, everything was so expensive that we\u2019ve left you penniless! Sorry about that.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Derek Faraci<\/a> lives in Farmington Hills, Mich., a quarter mile at a time.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n