{"id":8390,"date":"2017-11-21T07:00:21","date_gmt":"2017-11-21T12:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=8390"},"modified":"2018-06-28T13:33:21","modified_gmt":"2018-06-28T17:33:21","slug":"top-10-uneaten-meals-in-film","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/top-10-uneaten-meals-in-film\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 10 Uneaten Meals in Film"},"content":{"rendered":"

Cinema is all about reflecting the human experience, and whether we think about it or not, eating is a large part of our lives. There are many instances of characters eating on film, but what about those times when the food is just tantalizingly talked about, glimpsed, nearly eaten, or even completely unseen? Consider this buffet of the most desirable meals in cinema that were not technically<\/i> eaten an appe-teaser for your Thanksgiving celebrations.<\/span><\/p>\n

10. The Pale Man\u2019s Feast in Pan\u2019s Labyrinth<\/i> (2006)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>When Ofelia (Ivana Baquero), in the midst of completing several tasks given to her by a magical faun in order to prove her immortality, encounters the Pale Man, she sees before the monster a \u201csumptuous feast\u201d that the faun\u2019s rulebook, the \u201cBook Of Crossroads\u201d warned her not to touch. On her way out of the room, Ofelia can\u2019t help but pluck two tiny grapes from the table, which awakens the creature, who subsequently kills a few of her fairy companions. Given how robust and delicious the smorgasbord of fruits and sweetmeats looks, Ofelia should have brought a few more fairies to distract the Pale Man so she could really chow down.<\/span><\/p>\n

9. Lisa\u2019s Pizza in The Room<\/i> (2003)<\/span><\/h3>\n
\"\"<\/a>
From left: Lisa’s pizza (artist’s rendering); what they actually eat.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Ordering a pizza to keep Tommy Wiseau\u2019s Johnny placated, his fiancee Lisa (Juliette Danielle) orders delivery. Sure, the pizza she orders \u2014 \u201chalf Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese\u201d \u2014 sounds like some unholy Frankenstein\u2019s monster of a dish, mixing sauces and ingredients that should never be mixed together. But who knows? Maybe it\u2019s good! Whatever the case, it\u2019s the perfect culinary representation of The Room<\/i>, so it\u2019s a shame we never get to actually see the fiasco of a pie, as a jump cut reveals Tommy and Lisa eating a plain cheese pizza. Let\u2019s hope James Franco is more adventurous.<\/span><\/p>\n

8. The Uneaten Candy of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory<\/i> (1971)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>The opening of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory<\/i> introduces us to the film\u2019s fantasy world of candy, a world in which confections aren\u2019t just delicious but have magical properties. In Bill (Aubrey Woods) the candy man\u2019s shop, he knows exactly what his schoolchildren customers want, giving the kids \u201ca triple creme cup for Christopher, a squelchy snorter for Otis, a sizzler for June-Marie\u201d before going into a sales pitch for a new Wonka bar and, well, himself. For the rest of the movie, we\u2019re left to imagine what these crazy sounding treats look like, taste like, and do. A triple creme cup sounds pretty basic, but does a squelchy snorter make you snort every time you laugh? Does a sizzler make your head so hot that smoke comes out of your ears? It\u2019s a bigger riddle than any the Oompa Loompas could pose. Time for a sequel! (Editor’s note: Roald Dahl did write a sequel to <\/em>Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, called <\/em>Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, but it was never made into a film and does not elaborate on the enigmatic confections mentioned here.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

7. The Stomach Pounder in The Fog<\/i> (1980)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>After finding an odd piece of driftwood on the beach, young Andy Wayne (Ty Mitchell) bursts into his mother Stevie’s (Adrienne Barbeau) bedroom, excited to show the late-night radio DJ his eerie find. In the midst of mother\/son pleasantries, Andy exclaims \u201cMom, can I have a stomach pounder and a Coke?\u201d To which Stevie replies, \u201cAfter lunch.” We never see Andy get this delicacy, which raises the question: just what the hell is it? And why does it have to come after<\/em> lunch, and with a Coke? We may never know, but one possible answer comes in the form of a sequel to another of John Carpenter\u2019s films, the 1995 Halloween<\/i> entry The Curse Of<\/i> Michael Myers<\/i>. A character in that film gives his little brother his version of the infamous stomach pounder, which appears to be some kind of chocolate shake that the younger brother can\u2019t take more than a sip of. Probably because he forgot about the Coke. What an idiot!<\/span><\/p>\n

6. Po-tay-toes in The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers<\/i> (2002)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>Ever gone camping and wish you\u2019d brought better food to eat? On their long journey to Mordor to destroy the Ring, Sam (Sean Astin) runs into this issue as he and his Hobbit companion, Frodo (Elijah Wood) cook a couple of rabbits that were caught in the wild by their guide, Gollum (Andy Serkis). Gollum is proud of his catch: \u201cThey are young, they are tender, they are nice! Eat them!\u201d But Sam feels the menu is a little lacking: \u201cWhat we need\u2019s a few good taters.\u201d Gollum has never heard of those. \u201cWhat\u2019s taters, precious?\u201d Sam clarifies: \u201cPo-tay-toes! Boil \u2018em, mash \u2018em, stick \u2018em in a stew! Lovely, big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.\u201d Gollum is unconvinced, but Sam\u2019s fantasy meal sounds a lot more delicious than a makeshift wild rabbit stew next to a creature talking about eating \u201craw and wrrrrriggling\u201d fish.<\/span><\/p>\n

5. The Royale With Cheese in Pulp Fiction<\/i> (1994)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>Hitman Vincent Vega (John Travolta) just got back from a vacation in Europe and is excitedly relaying his experiences to his partner, Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson), when he says that everything overseas is \u201cjust a little different.\u201d Jules asks for an example, and Vincent explains how movie theaters and McDonald’s sell beer, then says \u201cYou know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris?\u201d Jules thinks they might call it the same thing, but Vincent explains \u201cno man, they got the metric system, they wouldn\u2019t know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is \u2026 they call it a \u2018Royale With Cheese.\u2019\u201d Jules flashes a wide grin, repeating the name: \u201cRoyale With Cheese.\u201d A mere name change makes a plain old fast food burger an exotic delicacy, and Jules tries asking about other potential burger name changes, which Vincent comes up short on. Still, his interest (and appetite) is so piqued, it\u2019s no wonder that Jules partakes of the \u201cone tasty burger\u201d belonging to his prey a few moments later. Makes you wonder if Jules ever found out what a Big Kahuna Burger was called in Paris\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

4. The Imaginary Dinner in Hook<\/i> (1991)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>Peter Banning (Robin Williams) is having a helluva time finding out that he\u2019s actually a grown up Peter Pan, not to mention having his children abducted by Captain Hook and his pirate gang. Holed up with the Lost Boys, Peter sits with them for dinner, as pot after pot of food is brought to the huge table. As the Boys rip open the pots and dig in, Peter is dismayed to find\u2026nothing. The Boys mime eating all sorts of delicacies as Peter watches, tormented by hunger. Finally he breaks: \u201cEat what? There\u2019s nothing here! Gandhi ate more than this!\u201d At that, a verbal fight breaks out between him and erstwhile Lost Boys leader Rufio, and when Peter flings a spoonful of imaginary food at Rufio, the substance magically appears. A huge feast is revealed to be on the table, and Peter and the Boys happily dig in. Guess the power of imagination really can stave off hunger!<\/span><\/p>\n

3. Cypher\u2019s Steak in The Matrix<\/i> (1999)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>About to betray the entire human race to a bunch of machines, Cypher (Joe Pantoliano) enjoys dinner inside the Matrix, a false illusion of a world created by the machines to placate humans while their bodies are used as power sources. As far as Cypher is concerned, the deal he\u2019s making with Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) is sweet even though he knows the truth: \u201cI know this steak doesn\u2019t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy, and delicious\u2026you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.\u201d Props to this scene for featuring a steak that looks so amazing (despite its incorporeality) that you\u2019d give yourself over to any robot overlords who\u2019d make you believe it\u2019s real.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese in Home Alone<\/i> (1990)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), an 8-year-old boy accidentally left home alone during the holidays, takes it upon himself to go do some grocery shopping. At the store, he picks up a frozen Kraft Macaroni & Cheese dinner, which he\u2019s unsure about: \u201cAre those microwave dinners any good?\u201d The cashier shrugs, and Kevin says \u201cI\u2019ll give \u2018em a whirl!\u201d A few days later, Kevin prepares his house with traps to stop the Wet Bandits, and after setting all the traps just before 9:00 (which is when the burglars claimed they\u2019d be back), he makes the mac & cheese. Sitting down before the piping hot plate, he says a kind of grace: \u201cBless this highly nutritious macaroni & cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.\u201d He picks up his silverware, about to dig in \u2014 and the clock strikes 9, at which point Kevin stands up and runs to get in place for the first trap. HE NEVER TAKES A BITE. Not one! Not even a quick spoonful! And you just know it\u2019s all ruined and cold after the crazy slapstick hijinks of the night are over. This would be the most traumatizing culinary tragedy ever put to celluloid, were it not for\u2026.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. The Christmas Turkey in A Christmas Story<\/i> (1983)<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a>Who cares if the family Christmas turkey has \u201can hour to cook\u201d? Not \u201cturkey junkie\u201d Old Man Parker (Darren McGavin), whose \u201cwild and ravenous light\u201d in his eyes betrays his naked lust for the delicious-looking golden brown turkey sitting on the Parkers’ dining room table. The Old Man isn\u2019t the only one to answer the turkey\u2019s siren call, however, and the neighbor\u2019s dogs come running over, invading the household and tearing the turkey apart. Narrator Jean Shepard\u2019s voiceover (as an older Ralphie) makes plain the sheer tragedy of the moment: \u201cThe heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey hash! Turkey a la aing! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!\u201d After this, the Parkers go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and all is well, but the specter of that uneaten turkey hangs over the film. It was the perfect holiday meal, whisked away. So when you\u2019re at your dinner this Thanksgiving, spare a thought for the Parkers. And maybe keep your pets as far away from the table as possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Bill Bria<\/a> lives in New York City, never misses a meal.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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