{"id":9990,"date":"2018-08-09T09:00:50","date_gmt":"2018-08-09T13:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/?p=9990"},"modified":"2019-01-12T14:44:34","modified_gmt":"2019-01-12T19:44:34","slug":"psa-your-odds-of-surviving-an-encounter-with-various-aquatic-movie-monsters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/psa-your-odds-of-surviving-an-encounter-with-various-aquatic-movie-monsters\/","title":{"rendered":"PSA: Your Odds of Surviving an Encounter with Various Aquatic Movie Monsters"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you faced The Meg<\/i> (opening this weekend), a 75-foot prehistoric shark properly called \u201cMegalodon,\u201d odds are you wouldn\u2019t survive. In that spirit, let\u2019s remember some of the aquatic killers that have scared us since the 1950s and calculate the odds of surviving an encounter with them.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms<\/i><\/b> (1953) \u2014 Uh-oh. In this Harryhausen classic, you\u2019ve stirred up a giant dinosaur creature from its frozen state with an atomic bomb. No one likes to be woken up from a nap, especially without coffee. This guy is ticked. Odds of survival: 50 to 1.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The Creature from the Black Lagoon<\/i><\/b> (1954) \u2014 Fishy-fan-handed guy comes from the water to grab you and wreak havoc. Really, he just wants a companion. Odds of survival: 2 to 1, if you humor him with a brunch date and let him down easy.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Attack of the Crab Monsters<\/i><\/b> (1957) \u2014 Nothing ruins an island vacation more than nuclear crab monsters. To make matters worse, crabs absorbed the intelligence of the scientists they ate and have become giant and telepathic. So, they know you\u2019ve eaten at Red Lobster. Odds of survival: 80 to 1 with a pat of butter.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Fantastic Voyage<\/i><\/b> (1966) \u2014 Technically not a \u201cwater movie,\u201d but, hey, our bodies are 60% water. You get shrunk and injected into the body of a scientist to try and remove a blot clot (his co-pay is enormous). If this guy is healthy, you\u2019re probably going to be OK. If he runs on Dunkin, avoid the colon. Odds of survival: 5 to 1.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Frogs<\/i><\/b> (1972) \u2014 Frogs terrorize your grandpappy\u2019s plantation, eating people. Yes, really. They can jump like the dickens, but frogs are not the fastest creatures on Earth. Before you outrun them, try kissing one. It may be a prince! Or certain death! Odds of survival: 2 to 1; 100 to 1 if you\u2019re Ray Milland in a wheelchair.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Jaws<\/i><\/b> (1975) \u2014 You\u2019re summering on Amity Island, but a giant great white shark is on vacation, too, and he\u2019s jonesing for naked hippies and little kids. Get on the Orca with Chief Brody and the gang, but leave the alcohol at home (Quint\u2019s got a problem). And for God\u2019s sake, get a bigger boat! Odds of survival: 3 to 1 if the boat gets bigger; 80 to 1 if Quint gets ahold of beer.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Orca<\/i><\/b> (1977) \u2014 Orcas are usually pretty chill, but you went and killed a male orca\u2019s mate, who happened to be pregnant. Now he\u2019s getting revenge, Death Fish-<\/i>style. Also, he bites off Bo Derek\u2019s leg. Odds of survival: 100 to 1 if you mess with the whale\u2019s fam or if you\u2019re Bo Derek\u2019s leg.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Piranha<\/i><\/b> (1978) \u2014 You\u2019re stuck in Joe Dante\u2019s Jaws<\/i> parody, which follows killer piranhas as they terrorize a kids\u2019 summer camp. Those fish are really hungry and they can jump out of the water. You may want to let them eat you so you don\u2019t have to deal with 200 10-year-olds. Odds of survival: 50 to 1.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Jaws 2<\/i><\/b> (1978) \u2014 You and Roy Scheider are back (contractually) in this sequel. It\u2019s mostly teens in jeopardy, so put on your bell-bottoms and denim news cap if you want to take a chance. But this shark is so big, it actually eats a helicopter. Stay unpopular and go home to play Atari with mom. Odds of survival: 1000 to 1. <\/i> <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Friday the 13th<\/i><\/b> (1980) \u2014 You\u2019ve made it through a really shitty Friday the 13th. You\u2019re chilling in a canoe when algae-covered, big-headed tween Jason jumps out of Crystal Lake and tries to takes you down. It\u2019s a tough call, because that little guy\u2019s determination makes him a contender for the kill and you might feel guilty about punching a kid with special needs. Odds of survival: 5 to 1.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Jaws 3-D<\/i><\/b> (1983) \u2014 You\u2019re waterskiing in a new waterpark\/aquarium and see a fin behind you. Don\u2019t panic; just push the person next to you into the water. Ride to shore, run like hell, and stop briefly to tell Louis Gossett Jr. he needs to give back his Oscar. Odds of survival: 20 to 1 if you\u2019re ruthless or phoning in your performance.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Jaws: The Revenge<\/i><\/b> (1987) \u2014 Lorraine Gary lives! Mario Van Peebles doesn\u2019t! No one cares! Is that Michael Caine? Odds of survival: What? I don\u2019t know. You will probably die of disbelief that Michael Caine is in the movie with you.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Deep Blue Sea<\/i><\/b> (1999) \u2014 Using your college degree in science stuff, you made sharks smarter in the name of fixing Alzheimer\u2019s. Did you fix Alzheimer\u2019s? No. But you did make the sharks intelligent enough to realize they\u2019re tired of eating fish and they want to upgrade to people, a parrot, and Samuel L. Jackson. Hooray for science! Odds of survival: None, but it\u2019s your own fault.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Open Water<\/i><\/b> (2003) \u2014 A tour boat leaves you and your spouse behind and there are sharks surrounding you. Ready to reinvigorate your marriage? Womp womp. You don\u2019t have a lot of options here, but I\u2019ll bet you\u2019re more grateful for your significant other, aren\u2019t you? Aren\u2019t you?!!? Odds of survival: None.<\/i> Odds of learning a lesson: Even.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The Shallows<\/i><\/b> (2016) \u2014 You, your bikini bod, and a seagull fight off a really big and angry shark. Luckily, you\u2019re a doctor and can suture yourself. Oh, and you are a really good swimmer. Wait, what\u2019s this? You find a video camera and create an SOS. And, stop the presses: You are able to kill the shark in the most ridiculous manner! Odds of survival: Even, unless you\u2019re grounded in reality.<\/i><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

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If you faced The Meg (opening this weekend), a 75-foot prehistoric shark properly called \u201cMegalodon,\u201d odds are you wouldn\u2019t survive. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":542,"featured_media":9993,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1381,336,1400],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9990","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies","category-humor","category-on-the-marquee"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9990","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/542"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9990"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9990\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9993"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9990"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9990"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crookedmarquee.com\/stage8\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9990"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}