It’s almost time for Shark Week, so this week’s marginal VOD releases include two shark movies, plus the return of a notorious trash auteur, and a couple of tender dramas from Europe that have no sharks in them whatsoever.
Great White Waters (Tubi July 4): Between Dangerous Animals and Fear Below, this has already been a strong year for shark-attack movies, but the latest from Sharknado franchise director Anthony C. Ferrante does not maintain that high standard. Ferrante forgoes the cheesy excess of Sharknado for something grittier and more serious, missing the mark entirely. The plot is remarkably similar to another forgettable shark movie from earlier this year, Into the Deep, with a group of criminals attempting to retrieve an air-dropped shipment of drugs from shark-infested waters. That mission puts the criminals in the path of grieving widow Gia (Angela Cole), who’s honoring her late husband by diving and fishing from the boat they bought for their honeymoon. Gia’s tragic backstory is underwhelming, and the drug smugglers are even less interesting, despite efforts to generate conflict within the group. The CGI sharks aren’t remotely convincing or scary, and the performances are just as stiff and phony. A sharknado would have been a welcome distraction from the stilted, suspense-free drama. Grade: C-
Hot Spring Shark Attack (VOD and select theaters July 11): Given Japan’s rich history of giant-monster movies, it’s somewhat surprising that there aren’t many Japanese shark movies, since the two subgenres have so much in common. This ultra-campy micro-budget horror comedy is essentially a kaiju version of Jaws, complete with an arrogant resort-town mayor who refuses to acknowledge the threat posed by a deadly shark. In this case, it’s a superpowered ancient beast risen from the depths, much like Godzilla and its brethren. This prehistoric shark has a flexible body that it can maneuver into the underground pipes that feed the tourist city’s many hot springs. Writer-director Morihito Inoue starts at utter absurdity and only increases the ridiculousness from there, and it gets a bit exhausting even at under 80 minutes. The movie is so upbeat and enthusiastic that it’s tough to dislike, though, and Inoue makes the typical shark-movie shortcomings endearing. He even somehow turns that buffoonish mayor into the hero, which is a fitting tweak to the shark-movie tradition being both celebrated and parodied. Grade: B-
Bang (VOD and select theaters July 11): Directing a movie that’s considered one of the worst ever made is bad enough, but it’s even more embarrassing if you willingly credit yourself as “Kaos.” Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever’s Wych Kaosayananda now goes by his full name, but he’s still making terrible movies, just with much smaller budgets. Charmless man-slab Jack Kesy stars as the taciturn, blank-faced title character, an assassin working for nebulously defined mobsters who operate out of an antique shop called The Antique Shop. After nearly dying, Bang decides to change his ways, but his flamboyantly evil boss (Peter Weller) isn’t having it. Weller is enjoyably hammy as the jovial crime lord, even putting his Italian Renaissance art history Ph.D. to use by occasionally speaking Italian for no apparent reason. There are no signs of life in the rest of this glum thriller, which doesn’t even deliver any action until it’s nearly over. Bang isn’t one of the worst movies ever made, but it might be more enjoyable to watch if it was. Grade: C-
Tiny Lights (Film Movement+ July 11): It takes an extraordinary leap of faith for a filmmaker to place an entire film in the hands of a child actor, and that risk pays off beautifully in Czech writer-director Beata Parkanová’s affecting drama. Mia Bankó is mesmerizing as six-year-old Amálka, who is almost never offscreen. Tiny Lights takes place over a single day, as Amálka witnesses the dissolution of her parents’ marriage, although she doesn’t entirely understand what’s happening. She understands enough to know that something is wrong, though, and she hears far more than the adults realize or would prefer. Parkanová favors long takes that immerse the audience in Amálka’s perspective, as she plays little nonsense games, torments her cat, or eavesdrops on the tense, accusatory conversations among her father, mother, and grandparents. The camera remains at Amálka’s level, so the adults are often partially or completely unseen, but even short glimpses convey their bitterness and disdain. It can feel repetitive after a while, but that’s what the experience is like for Amálka, too. Grade: B+
Portraits of Dangerous Women (VOD July 11): The women in director and co-writer Pascal Bergamin’s twee dramedy aren’t remotely dangerous, although they do seem a bit tiresome. A better title might be Portraits of Awkward Women, since the three main characters are all bumbling through life, both before and after they have a chance meeting at the site of a roadside accident. Schoolteacher Steph (Jeany Spark) and custodian Tina (Tara Fitzgerald) both inadvertently run over a dog that aspiring artist Ashley (Yasmin Monet Prince) claims is hers. The dog proves to be incidental to the meandering story, which follows the three women (as well as Steph’s father Jon, played by Mark Lewis Jones) as they make tentative connections both with each other and with other quirky residents of their quaint English town. Bergamin seems to deliberately hold back any narrative momentum, but Portraits is too arch and detached to function as an insightful character study. There are a handful of wryly amusing moments, but they don’t add up to a full portrait. Grade: C+
