Jeremy Herbert
Since the dawn of that guy who tried to cut all women out of The Last Jedi, we’ve entered a new era of fandom. An era of thankless course correction, where anyone with a childhood sculpted by a certain piece of art gets to tell the artist how it really belongs to them, and they have notes.
The latest attempt to put a better smile on the Mona Lisa was a Kickstarter campaign to “Digitally Erase the Rat From the End of The Departed.” While its $4,000 target was easily met, the effort has earned a cease-and-desist from Warner Brothers, not to mention the rumors that it was an elaborate mockery to begin with — the details stated the rat would be transplanted into Ratatouille, but anyone with a basic understanding of cinematic storytelling knows the extra screen time it would take to give him a proper arc and character development would leave the film feeling bloated.
So that one’s off the table, but if you were considering putting your hard-earned money toward a still-active campaign to fix art, here are some other options we found on the internet and definitely did not make up.
Make the Joker’s Scars Canonically the Result of Trying to Impress His Friends by Holding a Boxcutter in His Mouth Like a Pirate
“Chris Nolan is the greatest filmmaker working today, don’t get me wrong, but if you watch The Dark Knight, the Joker keeps changing the way he got his scars. It’s probably something that nobody noticed in rewrites, and I feel that, so me and my cousin Reggie who knows the comics better than me hashed out a more consistent, better explanation that you could just dub in or whatever (I’m don’t make movies lol).”
Star Wars Isn’t Realistic Because There’s No Sound in Space, So the Cantina Scene Should Also Be Hard to Hear over the Hourly Space Keno Drawings
“Did they even look it up? That’s like Earth Science 101, man. There shouldn’t be any laser sounds or explosion sounds or any others. And once I noticed that, I noticed a lot of the sounds in Star Wars are so unrealistic, too. Has George Lucas ever been in a bar? I mean honestly.”
But Also There Should Be Sound in Space for That One Scene in The Last Jedi That I Didn’t Like Where There Wasn’t Sound in Space
“Okay, I get what Rian Johnson was trying to do here with subverting the old Star Wars trope of having sound in space. Subversion is like Screenwriting 101. But why? It’s pointless subversion, and I think that in this specific case there should be sound put back into space, like a whoosh or something.”
I’m Glad Captain Marvel Is Empowering to Women, Don’t Get Me Wrong, But I Wish It Wasn’t Pandering to Women
“Using ‘Just A Girl’ in a fight scene? Lol OK. Other characters calling her ‘Carol’ all the time? Lol sure. Not making her take her shirt off like the other Marvel superheroes? Double standard much?”
Digitally Erase the Rats from the End of Muppets Take Manhattan
“True, Kermit and the pig woman befriend a plethora of rats during the course of Muppets Take Manhattan. But no, there’s not a church in the Five Boroughs that would knowingly allow talking rats to attend a wedding in small tuxedos.”
Make Frank Oz Read All the Star Wars Books to Understand Yoda, Including the One With the Emperor’s Mutant Son Who Has an Extra Eye on the Back of His Head
“Frank Oz is a legend, no doubt, but he hasn’t spent as much time immersed in Star Wars lore as we all have. I’m not looking to argue — I’m all about civil debate — so this campaign is to make sure he understands the universe as well as I do, including the Emperor’s virgin-born, three-eyed son named Triclops.”
Certify Every Horror Movie I Like As ‘Not A Horror Movie’
“Horror is all cheap thrills. The movies I appreciate are more like thrillers about sex-crazed teenagers getting slaughtered at camp with horror elements.”
Colorize the Rest of The Wizard of Oz
“I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but parts of this movie are still in black-and-white but, like, brown? Really took me out of it.”
Animated Remake of Disney’s Live-Action Classic Cinderella (2015)
“It’s about time.”
Give George Lucas All the New Star Wars Movies and Just See What He Does
“We took a vote and trust him now, so he should be allowed to recut everything after Force Awakens and do, y’know, whatever the hell.”
Let Me and the Rest of My Podcast Fix Star Trek
“An (Enterprise) Bridge Too Far Podcast has released three-hour episodes deconstructing every Trek movie down to the minute. We’ve diagnosed all the problems with the franchise as it stands and can send you links if you’d like, but all we’re asking for is the reins to the next Star Trek feature film or at least seats in the writers room. Josh speaks all alien languages, most of them better than English (just a joke). Landon is good with blueprints. My specialty is I just know what makes a good Trek story. Also Kirsten is OK to have around.”
Put a Lower-Third Graphic in the Harry Potter Movies Every Time a Gay Character Never Identified As Such Enters a Scene
“Hogwarts has always been inclusive (in this way) and it’s about time we prove it to people 18 years ago.”
Put in a Post-Credits Scene in A Star Is Born That Says, “They Had to Have Banged, I Mean, C’mon Now.”
“It could be the words or someone from the movie saying it to the camera. Maybe Sam Elliott. Yeah. He’d really sell it.”
Install Pause Buttons in Movie Theater Seats So You Can Ask Nick Why Alyssa Didn’t Come
“She usually does, so something might be up, and you don’t want to wait until the end of the movie to have such a pressing, personal conversation. Plus you don’t want to bother anyone else in the theater, so you can just pause the movie until Nick stops reading her old texts and then let it play again.” 
