To: Umbrella Corp Employees
From: Albert Wesker
Re: Sident Evil
First off, I would like to issue my sincere thanks for your loyalty and dedication. This dedication is especially touching considering the recent, completely unfounded allegations that the Umbrella Corporation literally murdered an entire facility full of workers in an effort to test viral weaponry. Despite our company’s recent setbacks, including (but not limited to) the cutbacks on overtime hours, smaller break rooms, and the release of the T-virus that allegedly caused the end of all humanity, we continue to lead the world in industrialized megalomania. We are deeply sorry for the inconvenience those smaller break rooms caused.
I would like to take this opportunity to confirm that our North American and Tokyo headquarters have been compromised. No cause for alarm.
While it is true that zombies are bad, we pride ourselves in taking our scientific advancements as far as inhumanly possible and never resting on our laurels — hence Umbrella’s additional inceptions of monsters, mutations, and man-demons. On that note, however, we regret to inform you that we will be making significant cuts to the zombie-dog laboratory. Apparently ZomPETA is very upset that we keep inexplicably turning out drippy undead pooches seemingly covered in raw bacon. Admittedly, the entire undead-dog program was the brainchild of Dr. Isaacs, whom many of you will remember as the guy not quite as evil as me who turned into a monster and then got flesh-cubed by our laser grid.
Reminder: Please refill the ice cube trays in the refrigerator daily.
On to new business, we are continuing our pursuit of Alice, the wily subject of Project Alice. I know some of you have voiced concerns that we are focusing too much of our time and resources on finding and reacquiring subject Alice. “Obsessed to a self-destructive level,” I believe one former employee/current giant axe-wielding beast minion put it. Sure, we could have left well enough alone and perhaps not repeatedly trifled with the one person on the planet who seems to be able to survive every undead creature horde she encounters. One might even suppose that once we captured her, the absolute worst thing we could have done would be to give said opponent psychic abilities. We, however, disagree. The WORST thing we could have done would be to give our stalwart female foe psychic abilities and then for some reason clone her hundreds of times to all but ensure an army of said foes … which … we also did.
I ask that you all bear in mind that we have established that Alice is the key to curing the T-virus infection. Some of you may wonder why this pursuit matters at all, considering we successfully decimated the world’s population to only enough non-infected persons necessary to operate this Umbrella facility. Hilarious question, one that certainly cannot be answered by the outrageous accusation that I myself am some sort of infected abomination who vomits claw-tentacles and cannot be killed. Further hilarious are the counter-rumors that I was in fact killed and our company is now being run by the Red Queen simulation program. I — er, that is, she — is merely an exposition machine built for your convenience and there is no need for you all to bow down and pray that the Red Queen who is definitely not me doesn’t kill all of you carbon-based plebes.
Reminder: Potluck on Friday, so bring your appetite, as there will be an abundance of human food.
On the plus side, I am happy to report one initiative that is progressing extraordinarily well: branding. Despite the fact that the world is a sprawling ashtray dotted with hordes of ravenous ghouls, towering nightmare goliaths, and ever-licking tongue devils, our logo is on everything! How much everything? All of it! We’re brandished upon shields, guns, bullets, hats, motorcycles, and fleets of personnel vehicles full of storm troopers ALSO wearing our logo. There can be no doubt to the dozens of living, breathing citizens of the world just who is in charge, and you cannot buy that kind of brand recognition! When folks think of the apocalypse, they are immediately going to think of The Umbrella Corporation. We cannot possibly see how it would at all imply liability. Not at all.
Reminder: We would like to wish Anne in HR a happy birthday!
I also want to address the questions we have been receiving regarding the loud banging and rumbling coming from the upper levels of this Hive facility. I would caution all employees against visiting those floor or trying to escape take coffee breaks right now. The noises you are hearing are the result of some renovations currently underway. These are definitely not explosions, nor will we tolerate any rumors that Umbrella Corp is under siege from an army of Alice clones.
If you happen to be commuting to work through Raccoon City, please be advised that traffic has been highly congested of late. The Nemesis monsters that some other company (not us) created from the remains of all your former loved ones have punched sizable holes in the concrete of the overpasses. Alternative routes, both traffic-related and romantic, should be explored.
Update: The corpse of intern Robbie has eaten HR Anne. There is now an open position in HR.
Well, those renovations I spoke of seem to be shooting their way down the elevator shafts, so I’ll wrap this up. I appreciate your hard work and your taking such an interest in your own company. Therefore, please don’t assign any sinister intent whatsoever to my having pressed “Purge Facility” on this Umbrella Corp universal remote right about the time you started reading this mem
Brian Salisbury feasts on the flesh of the living in Austin.