Josh Bell
This week’s low-profile VOD releases feature a Russian bear dad, an annoying teen radio DJ, a diet version of The Substance, and John C. Reilly as Buffalo Bill.
Papa Bear (VOD and select theaters April 3): No kids in any nation deserve to be subjected to this abysmal Russian family comedy, which feebly riffs on elements from movies like Pixar’s Brave. Twelve-year-old Mila (Eva Smirnova) is a pint-size menace, so her Kevin James-like bumbling single dad Ted (Boris Dergachev) decides to take her to his late grandfather’s cabin in the woods for some downtime. It’s inconvenient, then, that Ted goes missing just as a bear shows up at the cabin, and Mila dubiously assumes that her dad has been transformed into a beast. Cue the bonding and lesson-learning as Mila tries to keep the bear safe from a nasty hunter. The comedy is strained and unfunny, and Mila is so insufferable that she probably deserves to get mauled. The bear is played by an actual bear, limiting its ability to mimic human mannerisms. Worst of all, the movie’s American release is saddled with a horrendous English-language dub that robs all potential emotion or humor from the story — not that any is discernible to begin with. Grade: D
I Know Exactly How You Die (VOD and DVD April 7): Horror author Rian Burman (Rushabh Patel) gives new meaning to the concept of the self-insert when he finds his latest novel coming to life, with a heroine who is essentially his dream woman. She’s also being stalked by a serial killer, which makes it tougher for Rian to write himself a romance with her. Mike Corey’s screenplay is never particularly clear on the mechanics of this phenomenon, which is vaguely attributed to mystical properties of the rundown motel where Rian has checked in so he can focus on writing. The lack of specificity would be less of a problem if the movie were more of a psychedelic head trip, but Alexandra Spieth’s direction is disappointingly mundane, and the plot spends far too much time on the backstory of the deranged killer who’s going after indomitable addiction counselor Katie (Stephanie Gomes Hogan). Rian is a pathetic whiner who doesn’t seem to understand the basics of writing, and the movie is as disjointed and unsatisfying as his rushed novel. Grade: C
Heads or Tails (VOD and select theaters April 10): Italian filmmakers Alessio Rigo de Righi and Matteo Zoppis bring the spaghetti Western home with this period drama loosely inspired by Buffalo Bill Cody’s real-life tour of Italy with his stunt show in 1890. John C. Reilly’s take on Buffalo Bill as a genial, bloviating huckster is the best thing about this movie, which suffers during the long stretches when he’s offscreen. The rest of the time, Heads or Tails is a meandering lovers-on-the-run story about unhappy French trophy wife Rosa Rupè (Nadia Tereszkiewicz), who kills her abusive Italian nobleman husband and absconds with rugged cowboy Santino (Alessandro Borghi). Buffalo Bill follows in leisurely pursuit, lured by the promise of both money and another heroic tale to add to his legend. Rigo de Righi and Zoppis make the most of the lush Italian countryside, and Reilly and Tereszkiewicz have a few intriguing moments together. But the central couple is mostly dull, and the detours into surrealism and Italian political history dilute the focus. It’s warmed-over spaghetti. Grade: B-
Screams From the Tower (VOD April 14): Everyone in this 1990s-set teen comedy tells protagonist Julien (Richie Fusco) how weird and funny his high school radio show is, which makes it even more disconcerting when writer-director Cory Wexler Grant showcases lengthy segments from what amounts to a juvenile version of typical morning zoo shenanigans. Julien himself is equally obnoxious, and his struggles with sexual identity and obsessive-compulsive disorder are depicted so haphazardly that they don’t make him any more sympathetic. He launches the radio show with his best friend Cary (David Bloom), and there’s some promise in their obviously repressed homoerotic dynamic. But Julien’s hyper-focus on the radio show alienates nearly everyone in his life, including Cary, who’s almost entirely absent during the movie’s second half. All that’s left is Julien’s fame-hungry narcissism, which is not remotely as endearing as Grant makes it out to be. The supporting performances are fun, and Grant has a strong eye for period detail, but his main character sucks up all the energy, both on and off the air. Grade: C
Thinestra (VOD April 14): A smaller-scale take on the themes explored in The Substance, this body horror movie doesn’t reach that Oscar-winner’s deranged heights, but it mostly succeeds in its own modest way. Rather than a major star, Penelope (played alternately by twins Michelle and Melissa Macedo) is a lowly assistant, working for temperamental photographer Neils (Brian Huskey). She still obsesses over her appearance while living in image-conscious Los Angeles, making futile efforts to lose weight. So she’s desperate enough to try a mysterious pill given to her by an obviously unwell model. It does the job of miraculously slimming her down, with the unfortunate side effect of manifesting a ravenous, homicidal doppelganger. The message from screenwriter Avra Fox-Lerner and director Nathan Hertz is not exactly subtle, but then again neither is The Substance, and this has some striking images of its own. Casting the Macedos allows Penelope to fluidly shift forms, even if the process doesn’t make much sense. The plot is lacking, but the vibes are on point. Grade: B-
