Sanders, Warren, Buttigieg, Biden, O’Rourke, Harris, Yang. Uh … I wanna say Islee? Is that one? The list of Democratic candidates for the 2020 presidential election continues to grow. Now one more public figure has decided to run for office, and he’s a doozy. Godzilla, the 65-year-old strange beast, or kaiju, began his campaign for the presidency earlier this month and is about to be featured in a propaganda film entitled King of the Monsters. Thanks to some connections made on the pro-kaiju fansite DeployAllMonsters.com, an employee of the shadowy government organization Monarch was able to set this writer up with an exclusive meeting with the giant lizard, who had quite a lot to say about his plan for the country.
Crooked Marquee: Good afternoon, Mr. Zilla. You shocked the nation with your campaign announcement, so let’s get right to it: Why do you want to run for president?
Godzilla: (through a Monarch translation device) ROAAAAAARRRRR—thing working? Is it on? OK. Look — I’m a member of a small but not insignificant minority that you humans call “Titans,” and we’ve been on this planet since before you rose up out of the primordial swamp. Quite frankly, you’ve screwed the place up big time, and somebody needs to get you back under control. It’s in everyone’s best interest.
CM: The title of your propaganda film, King of the Monsters — is that implying what your term would be like? Should humans be insulted by that “monsters” allusion?
G: (laughs) The title simply refers to the domination of my fellow giant monsters within the dramatization of the film. As for any other allusions, they’re for you to make, not me.
CM: What is your opinion of humans in general?
G: You guys can be super cute. Bringing a 125-millimeter caliber tank to try and stop a 119.8-meter person like myself? Adorable!
CM: Speaking of height, there are a lot of conflicting numbers floating around. Even more pertinent is your country of origin. A lot of people have been calling for your birth certificate—
G: Uh-huh. “A lot of people.” We know who.
CM: Anyway, I have your birth certificate right here, and it’s some pretty damning stuff. It says that you were born in the ocean near Odo Island in southern Japan, and that your birth name translates to “Gorilla Whale”—
G: (shoots a tiny fleck of spittle at the document, engulfing it in flames and burning it to a crisp) I’m from Florida. Next question.
CM: Given that you seem to be aiming at establishing a monarchy, what made you want to run as a Democrat?
G: It’s the best approximation for my policies. But I can also reach across the aisles — literally, obviously. Sometimes I look Green, I glow Blue, things I burn turn Red … I’m multi-faceted.
CM: Let’s talk policies. There’s an ongoing debate right now within the Democratic Party about socialism versus capitalism. Where do you stand?
G: As I said before, I stand at 119.8 meters. Make sure you print that. Now, as to the issue, I will absolutely be able to provide a fair and impartial redistribution of the country’s wealth, based on which way my tail happens to hit it.
CM: Another hot-button issue regards potentially building a border wall—
G: Oh, I’m anti-wall. Any wall. Ceilings, too. Frankly, I’m anti-building, period.
CM: Based on recent polls, Americans seem to prefer a strong president. What are your thoughts on defense? Do we need a nuclear deterrent?
G: I am a nuclear deterrent. But what we really need to do is to bolster this country’s nuclear power. It’s one of the best resources we have, and it’s incredibly delicious. I’m also very into this idea of a Space Force. The last thing we need are any more damn Ghidorahs invading this planet.
CM: That’s a very different sort of immigration policy than your colleague Julián Castro is proposing.
G: If Mr. Castro wants to fight the three-headed dragon-like aliens, he’s welcome to do so.
CM: What do you think of the other candidates?
G: I’m not here to turn this into some kind of knock-down, drag-out brawl — that just tends to happen naturally with me. I think Bernie’s just as tough as me, but he doesn’t have the reach. De Blasio certainly knows how to destroy a major city. Senator Warren is fighting for “big, structural change,” which I can do literally in my sleep. I’m 119.8 meters off the ground and somehow Joe Biden is more out of touch.
CM: Mothra is especially unpopular among male voters.
G: Of course! Have you seen her policies? They’re terrible. Something about wanting to fight climate change by putting a giant cocoon around the world, some new plan to combat Dagahra … I can’t think of anything more stupid.
CM: Well, her unpopularity isn’t really about her policies, but just the fact that she’s a woman.
G: I stand corrected. That’s pretty f***ing stupid.
CM: What’s your position on the abortion issue?
G: I’m pro-choice. I mean, I’m a monster, but I’m not a monster.
CM: Does that stance have anything to do with the illegitimate children you allegedly fathered in Madison Square Garden in 1998?
G: No comment.
This interview has been edited for clarity, content, indecipherable roars, and frequent kaiju battle interruptions.