The time of year has come when we dutiful Americans shove our families into tightly packed cars and head off to giant, overpriced amusement parks! Crying children in the back, sleeping spouse in the passenger seat, and a strong urge to drive headlong into an eighteen wheeler if only to save yourself from the agony of watching Darth Vader do a dance number to various hits from the 1980s!
But what if there was a new place, an amusement park that shies away from the obvious movie brands to bring in something just for you, the smart Crooked Scoreboard reader who demands that the world be a little more interesting and a little less franchise? You’re in luck! We’re working on the funding for the Cooked Scoreboard Amusement Park, and because we love you so much, we’re giving you an early look at some of the rides and attractions!
Get the Nightcrawler Discount or the Gone Girl Experience!
Face it, the tickets to a park like this are getting to the point where a family of four needs to take out a second mortgage just to spend the weekend waiting in lines, and we’re not going to be any different. With an average ticket price of $150 a person, you’ll want to get as many discounts as you can, and that’s where our Nightcrawler Special comes in! Before you enter the park, be sure to try and snap a few pics of someone in pain or, even better, a crying child! The closer you get to the action, the better the discount, so get right in their faces!
And moms, if you’re on the verge of murdering your precious darlings and useless husband, for a nominal fee you can get the Gone Girl Experience! We’ll make it look like you’ve been kidnapped, and while your family spends the weekend in the hotel room crying and dealing with fake cops, you’ll be drinking mimosas at our indoor beach!
Open Water Slide
Speaking of the indoor beach, don’t forget to check out our Open Water slide! With two slides, there’s almost no wait, which is good because once an hour, when the whistle blows, the last two people in the water are trapped to deal with jellyfish and sharks. If you can survive being in the water with the hungry great whites for 10 minutes, you’ll get a free shirt!
Good Will Dancing
Do you like janitors who are awesome at math and know how to bop to the beat? If so, our Good Will Hunting Dance Show is just for you! Watch Sean help Will learn how to get over his years of abuse and win the heart of Skylar with some sweet moves set to the awesome songs of Journey and Lita Ford!
Uh-oh! Those rich smart kids are at the bar again. Looks like Will and Chuckie will have to teach them to like these apples as they rock out to the Ramones! If you get pulled onstage but can’t dance, don’t worry — Sean will remind you that it’s not your fault.
All that dancing may have left you and the family feeling a little peckish, so why not head off to some of our best themed restaurants? Carb up with some Italian food at the Paradise restaurant from Big Night. At the end of each night, if the restaurant hasn’t made enough money, we force the kitchen staff to move to Italy!
If you’re worried about spending too much loot on subpar food, head over to Noah’s for some 2-for-1 specials! Like the Darren Aronofsky film, our menu is based on animals that may or may not have existed at some time. Is it real meat? Our servers would love to warn you, but they can’t be heard through their rock angel uniforms!
The Master Swing
Now that you’ve got all that food in your tum-tum, why not see if gravity can pull it out of you? Jump on the biggest swing in the park as it brings you back and forth from the window to the wall! The ride won’t stop until every person on it fully believes that we at Crooked Scoreboard know what is best for you. Or until everyone pukes. Whichever comes first.
Getting around this big old park can really tire you out, so why not get on our Snowpiercer tram? On occasion, when the tram breaks down, one lucky child passenger gets to spend the rest of their life riding the train for free! Everyone else can get off any time they want, but be warned, the conductor is a real jerk.
Sleep of the Dead
Ready for a nap? Why not head over to our special Buried beds and lay down for a bit. It’ll be a tight squeeze, but you’ll never feel more rested, right up until we wake you up with a snake in your casket bed!
One out of every 70 people will never be let out!
The Driving Miss Daisy 3D Adventure
Get ready for the ride of your life when you experience our 3D motion ride based on the hit movie Driving Miss Daisy! Let Hoke Colburn drive you through town and experience everything that made the movie a non-stop thrill ride! You’ll get so close to Hoke’s pumpkin pie, you’ll swear you can almost taste it!
Celebrity Shooting Gallery
Grab Atticus’ rifle and start taking down those rabid dogs, mockingbirds, and Bob Ewell if necessary! Hit the targets for your chance to win a Boo Radley stuffed doll to keep you safe at night!
Maybe you want to try something harder? Why not make like Travis Bickle and take on the pimps and drug dealers of New York? Get them all and you’ll win a mohawk wig! Just don’t hit Jodie Foster!
Look, we need something that will bring in the money, and as much as we wanted to keep away from the big names, who doesn’t love the Fast and Furious films? Now’s your chance to live out your dream of riding with Dominic Toretto and the gang! But look out, Cipher could take control of your bumper car at any moment!
After all of that, you’re sure to be ready for bed. Sadly, everything was so expensive that we’ve left you penniless! Sorry about that.
Derek Faraci lives in Farmington Hills, Mich., a quarter mile at a time.