Thirty-five years after the release of the original, we’re finally getting a sequel to Blade Runner! It’s an exciting time to be a film fan, and not only because we get to see more of Harrison Ford, everyone’s favorite disgruntled grandpa, revisiting another one of his iconic roles. The fact is, the original Blade Runner left fans hanging for years, with plenty of unsolved mysteries and loose ends that remain unanswered to this day. We’ve got a lot of questions left over from the first movie that Blade Runner 2049 absolutely, positively has to answer. Questions like:
1) Is Deckard a replicant?
It’s the big question on everyone’s mind. The question of whether Ford’s Rick Deckard is a human or a replicant has driven conversation since Blade Runner was released way back in 1982. The movie never provides a solid answer, and we’re ready to finally know the truth. We’re sure Denis Villeneuve is thinking the same thing.
2) Who Developed the Voight-Kampff Test?
Throughout Blade Runner, Deckard uses the Voight-Kampff test to determine whether a person is a replicant. But how did that test come to be? Who was Voight? Who was Kampff? Was there an internal struggle about receiving credit for the test? How did they decide whose name would go first? Is Voight actually actor Jon Voight? Did he shift to robot science once his acting career began to stall? These questions are all valid, and we demand a flashback sequence at the very least to shed some light on the subject.
3) Why does my 6-year-old son cry every time he sees me?
I can’t explain it, but for some reason my son can’t look me in the eye without bursting into tears. This makes me feel worthless as a father. My wife insists it’s just a phase, but I’m afraid it’s more than that. I need an explanation, and Blade Runner 2049, with its lush Roger Deakins cinematography and neo-noir influences, is positioned to finally deliver one.
4) Where do the other members of my A.A. group go after the meeting is over?
It happens every Wednesday, like clockwork. We’ll gather for our meeting in the church basement, and then at the end I’ll ask if anyone wants to hang out. Every one of them will say they’re busy, but then when we’re leaving many of them will carpool and all of their cars will drive off in the same direction. Where are they going? I have some working theories, but it’s time for Villeneuve to finally provide an answer on the issue.
5) What has Ryan been doing in the bathroom for the last 45 minutes?
Ryan sits in the cubicle next to mine, and every day, he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and stays in there for up to an hour. He’s in there right now! What the hell is going on, Ryan? Change your diet or something man, jeez. Blade Runner 2049 features an actor named Ryan in the lead role, and that casting was clearly intended as a metaphor for Bathroom Ryan. Hopefully Villeneuve and original Blade Runner screenwriter Hampton Francher are as interested in this mystery as I am.
6) Explain to me the finale of Twin Peaks: The Return.
I just, I didn’t get it, you know? Are they in the future? Is Laura Palmer alive? Where the hell was Audrey? I think Villeneuve is holding out on us, and Blade Runner 2049 will serve as a fitting ending to Special Agent Dale Cooper and the quirky citizens of Twin Peaks.
7) Why does God allow evil to flourish?
Blade Runner 2049 could finally give a definitive answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. We want to know why God allows devastation to reign upon the land, why he allows good people to suffer, why he lets sinners get away without any consequences. And if Villeneuve doesn’t answer this, he’ll have ruined our childhoods!
8) How do we resolve our tensions with North Korea?
It seems every day our situation with North Korea gets worse and worse, and there’s no clear path to ease our relationship with the country. Luckily, Blade Runner 2049 is about to hit theaters, and it should have an answer! It has to have an answer. Please, God, let Blade Runner 2049 have the answer.
9) How quickly will the new 280-character limit improve Twitter?
Look, we all know that this is a positive change for Twitter. The fact that we couldn’t make our tweets longer is literally the only thing people didn’t like about the social networking site. Now we can write manifestos where before we could only scratch out haikus. Blade Runner 2049 takes place in the year 2049, and should give us a glimpse into what the new, jumbo-tweet world will look like – my guess is that it made everyone happier!
10) Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Well? Do they?!
Michael Smith dreams of gas-powered sheep in Poughkeepsie, N.Y.