20th Century Fox’s Logan hits theaters this week, and while it’s by all accounts a fantastic film the aspect of it I’m most interested in right this second is its entry onto the list of movies named after one of their characters. There are tens of thousands of titles that feature a character’s name — 43,291 to be exact, per IMDb — but Logan belongs to the more exclusive club of titles consisting solely of the character name. To celebrate this, I’ve done the obvious and put together a list of character-named titles ranked by how unlikely you’d be to invite them home to dinner with your parents. Logan, for example, is someone you’d bring him with little worry. What mom wouldn’t be thrilled for their child to bring home the hairy-chested, ripped, and crass old man Logan for an introduction and a meal?
So with that in mind, here are eight other title characters ranked in decreasing order of likeliness that you’d bring them home for dinner with your parents. If you read my previous list you know I’m very strict with the rules I set, and here I have just one. I’m only allowing titles that consist solely of a single character name — sorry Glen or Glenda, it would have been fun.
8. Amelie
This should be a no-brainer as Amelie is a creative and gorgeous woman who sees the joy and sadness of the world inextricably intertwined together with a generous helping of skewed imagination. I’m probably a bit biased on this one as the girl I was dating back in 2001 who introduced me to the film is the same lovely lady who I’m with today, but you should all be so lucky, and if it starts by inviting a beautiful weirdo home for dinner then so be it. Weirdos need to eat too.
7. MacGruber
There’s a very good chance that inviting MacGruber into your parents’ home will result in the utter destruction of said home, but I’m compelled to argue in his defense anyway. For one thing, there’s not a dull moment when he’s around, and his presence also means there’s a good chance Val Kilmer will stop by. Best of all, though, unlike most of the possible dinner guests on this list, MacGruber won’t arrive empty-handed, as he’ll bring a nice celery bouquet at the very least.
6. Snowden
The question you have to ask yourself before inviting Snowden home to meet your parents is: Does my family have any secrets we’d prefer to keep that way? There’s no doubt he’d be an interesting conversationalist, but I imagine your mom would worry he’d discover the truth behind her Sunday nights with “the girls” while your dad wondered aloud if he was a traitor.
5. Lolita
Your dad is going to be very OK with this — and that should be your first sign to abort the whole evening. Having Lolita over to meet your folks is a disaster waiting to happen. If you do go through with it, be prepared for it to wreck your parents’ marriage and scar you emotionally for life. It’s still probably worth it, though, for the great story you’ll be able to tell years down the road.
4. Aladdin
I hate to mix pleasure with politics, but it’s the new world order so what are you going to do? Part of that new reality is people with the name Ali being stopped and questioned at our borders, so it seems only logical that your parents might take issue with you bringing home a young man named Aladdin. My own father’s political leanings would see him immediately cracking “wise” about turbans, skin tone, and accents, and he’s one of the nice racists. Just don’t get him started on Aladdin’s inappropriate relationship with that carpet.
3. Jackie
She’s all class and would bring a certain cache to how your parents see you, but can you imagine how utterly depressing Jackie would be at dinner? For one thing, she’d be constantly talking about her dead husband, and that’s no way to start a romance let alone a good meal. There’s a good chance your parents would vacillate between being in awe (“It’s Jackie Kennedy!”) and being annoyed (“What’s the deal with that accent?!”) And let’s be honest, she’d probably wear her pink, blood-spattered outfit to dinner.
2. Chappie
On the bright side — the only positive of inviting Chappie home for dinner — he’s a robot and won’t actually eat any of the food. The rest is all downside, though, because this talking toaster is an obnoxious prick. Your parents won’t get a word in edgewise as this jabbering GoBot attempts to make jokes and suck up to them, all while referring to himself in the third person. And as bad as an electronic chatterbox is, it gets worse when you realize he sounds just like Sharlto Copley. Worst. Dinner. Ever.
1. Mortdecai
This one is probably self explanatory, isn’t it? If you bring this guy home — whether as a friend, a lover, or a simple act of kindness for what you assumed was a curiously dressed but mentally deranged vagrant on the street — then you probably deserve the hell that awaits.
Rob Hunter, who lives in California, has never been invited to dinner anywhere.
