Eric D. Snider
Going to the movies can be overwhelming these days, in whatever year this is. There are so many choices! This weekend alone there are three big films opening in wide release: Christopher Nolan’s World War II drama Dunkirk; Luc Besson’s space fantasy adventure Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; and Malcolm D. Lee’s raunch-com Girls Trip. How can a discerning moviegoer tell them apart? Don’t fret, amigo; here is a handy guide.
Dunkirk vs. Valerian vs. Girls Trip:
How to Tell the Difference
Inspired by a French comic book: Valerian
Inspired by a French military defeat: Dunkirk
Inspired by Le Hangover: Girls Trip
You see mostly white men: Dunkirk
You see mostly black women: Girls Trip
You see humans and aliens of all shapes and colors, which includes three black people: Valerian
Rihanna: Valerian
Queen Latifah: Girls Trip
Harry Styles: Dunkirk
Features a convincing performance by a major pop star: n/a
German bombs: Dunkirk
F-bombs: Girls Trip
Box office bomb: Valerian
Lots of shooting: Valerian, Dunkirk
Lots of shots: Girls Trip
You could picture two of the main characters being in love, even though they aren’t: Dunkirk, Girls Trip
You cannot picture the two main characters being in love, even though they are: Valerian
A planet is destroyed: Valerian
A ship is destroyed: Dunkirk
A booty is destroyed: Girls Trip
The message is that friendship is the most important thing: Girls Trip
The message is that all creatures should be able to live in harmony: Valerian
The message is that you’re lucky to be alive even one more miserable day on this nightmare planet: Dunkirk
Depicts men on a French beach being sprayed with bullets: Dunkirk
Depicts men in the French Quarter being sprayed with urine: Girls Trip
It’s empowering to women: Girls Trip
It tells a true story that didn’t involve many women: Dunkirk
It removes the woman’s name from the comic book it’s based on: Valerian
Has a character who can look like anyone: Valerian
Has characters who all look like this:
Dunkirk
May remind you of The Fifth Element: Valerian
May remind you of the fifth Tyler Perry movie: Girls Trip
Will probably be in the conversation at Oscar season: Dunkirk
Will probably be in the $5.99 bin at Best Buy: Valerian
Action centered on breakwaters made of stone: Dunkirk
Action centered on leading man made of stone: Valerian
Has an actor who talks like Keanu: Valerian
Has an actress who was in Keanu: Girls Trip
May rekindle thoughts of old friends: Girls Trip
May rekindle an old interest in sci-fi: Valerian
May rekindle an old hatred of Germans: Dunkirk
Is now showing in multiple formats: Dunkirk
Will soon be showing on multiple airplanes: Valerian
Will probably be shown in an angry Fox News segment: Girls Trip
Your grandparents may remember it: Dunkirk
Your grandparents would be baffled by it: Valerian
Your grandparents had laws prohibiting it: Girls Trip
Shows human life being wasted: Dunkirk
Shows people getting wasted: Girls Trip
Shows money being wasted: Valerian
Eric D. Snider lives in Portland, will never get these three movies confused again.
