I’m a simple man. I’ve been married for 26 years, I have two wonderful daughters, and I like to sit back at the end of the week and lose myself in a great film. And while that’s gotten even easier with MoviePass, some people on the internet are saying that the subscription service can’t last, that the company is losing money daily by offering a movie ticket a day for only $10 a month. But that’s ridiculous. The MoviePass model is as rock-solid and sustainable as my marriage.
When my work friends cornered me to tell me they saw my wife walk into a motel with two men, I laughed it off. I whipped out some finger guns and told them, “Join the MoviePass haters, guys, I’ll be here, on the right side of history.” And they never brought it up again, because they knew I was right. They must have seen somebody else who looked like my wife. Right? Right.
Those haters say that MoviePass throws money away, not realizing that you must spend money to get what you want. It’s a basic principle of economics. If you didn’t have to spend money to get what you wanted, why would I pay hundreds of dollars for my wife’s four-hour yoga lessons with that sweaty European guy every Tuesday night, just so she’ll let me kiss her in the daytime? She’s very shy, but I’m cool with it.
Now, I know what you must be thinking: “This MoviePass thing is such a great deal, the theaters must not be allowing it. Also, your marriage is super normal and it’s totally not weird that your kids call your wife’s friend Jeremy ‘dad’ and won’t look you in the eye.” But that’s where you’re wrong, because MoviePass figured out a loophole. When AMC theaters threatened to ban MoviePass, it was revealed that both companies had agreements with MasterCard, and for AMC to not allow MoviePass would violate their agreement with the entire company! Isn’t that brilliant? It’s just like when my wife tried to hold a swingers’ party at our house, but I wouldn’t let her have it unless I was allowed to be involved. I ended up just making the snacks for the party, but marriage is all about compromise.
And speaking of compromise, the great thing about MoviePass is that it helps people compromise when deciding how to spend their days. I had no interest in seeing Fifty Shades Freed in the theater. I was just going to watch it on a DVD loop in my car where I sleep like I’ve done the other two, but when my wife told me she was going to see the film, I thought I would join her. It’s not like I’m spending $11 on a ticket, I’m just swiping a card. Watching her watch the movie from four rows behind her, unbeknownst to her, was the first time I saw her show any feeling in two long decades.
Well, I should be leaving. I’m almost late for my 12th viewing of Den of Thieves. I just can’t get enough of that Gerard Butler. Also, it … gives me something to look forward to. And it’s the longest movie in the theater right now, so it’s nice. I love MoviePass!
UPDATE: She filed for separation. Apparently when I stalked her at Fifty Shades Freed, that was “a violation of her privacy” and she took everything, including the Netflix account. But I don’t need Netflix when I’ve got the “Netflix of theaters” right in my pocket!
Note: At press time, the author’s local theater had stopped accepting MoviePass.
Davey Peppers makes up fake stories in Carbondale, Ill.