Bill Bria
Solo: A Star Wars Story opens in a few days, and everyone is supremely excited because making a prequel to Star Wars is a slam-dunk idea that can’t fail. Most fans are content to sit back and wait for the film to open, but true fans know that waiting is for “nerf herders.” Secrecy is at an all-time high at Lucasfilm, but fortunately my barber, Jean, snuck into the screening at the Cannes Film Festival and gave me the scoop. Here, then, are the 20 most shocking Solo spoilers that you can start getting mad online about ASAP:
Han Solo’s birth name is revealed to be “Blane Shartbarn,” which he changes for cool smuggler reasons, not because a lot of kids made fun of him or anything.
Chewbacca wears a beekeeper’s helmet at all times, until Han explains to him that there are no bees in space.
Lando has a crippling fear of clouds.
Woody Harrelson’s new character, Beckett, is NOT his character from “Cheers,” but he thinks it is, with Beckett constantly asking for Ted Danson’s Sam.
Thandie Newton’s new character, Val, IS actually her character from HBO’s “Westworld,” so you need to have seen the entirety of that show and played the virtual-reality game to understand it.
Just like 2016’s Rogue One, the movie doesn’t have an opening crawl, but it does contain a bibliography at the end.
Alden Ehrenreich proves himself to be the one, the only, the iconic Han Solo by killing Harrison Ford in the first five minutes of the film.
Donald Glover plays Lando to perfection, and also plays six other characters, including himself.
Lucasfilm doesn’t hide the fact that the movie is made up of the work of multiple directors, and has “HOWARD” or “LORD & MILLER” watermarked on every shot.
Han’s character is finally put back the right way, and he now shoots first in every scene, especially dialogue scenes.
In a nice bit of synergy, one scene finds the Millennium Falcon’s crew barging into a Denny’s at 2 am, where they absolutely refuse to order anything from the special Solo menu. Chewie ruins the bathroom.
Director Ron Howard provides voiceover narration in the style of his work on “Arrested Development,” only he can’t remember any of the names of the characters.
There are some fun cameos! Lando’s dad is played by Billy Dee Williams wearing a fake beard, and Han’s dad is played by Hayden Christensen wearing a fake mustache.
Newcomer Paul Bettany is magnetic as Dryden Vos, a mysterious character who’s prone to say “it doesn’t get any Bettany than that, baby!” at the end of scenes, which come to think of it must just be the end of takes that the filmmakers decided to leave in.
The film’s visual effects look spectacular, silencing naysayers who thought that they wouldn’t be finished in time for the Memorial Day release. The breathtaking train heist sequence was always meant to be finished using pieces of cardboard to hearken back to Star Wars’ practical effects beginnings.
After a test screening, Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s performance as the droid L3-37 was deemed “too human,” so her entire part has been ADR’d with Kanye’s “poop diddy scoop” verse.
Being a prequel, obviously no major characters can die at the end of the film. Instead, there’s a heartbreaking montage where they kill off a few more heroes from Avengers: Infinity War.
Chewbacca dies.
In a bid to course-correct the saga following the whiny fan response to The Last Jedi, Emilia Clarke plays Qi’ra Reysmom. Shockingly, Qi’ra turns out not to be Rey’s mom. Yoda is.
The movie ends with Han slipping and falling into a carbonite freezing chamber, setting up his first appearance in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.
Wow! This sounds like it’ll be the greatest Star Wars yet. As the fans say every year, “May the 25th be with you!”
