The following is an excerpt from a document found in a trash can near the men’s bathroom at CinemaCon 2017.
Dear Future Investors,
Movie theaters, am I right? Gross! Who among us hasn’t wanted to see the latest installment in Universal’s “Dark Universe” opening weekend, only to be turned off by the prospect of screaming children, overpriced snacks, texting teens, and headache-inducing 3D glasses? It’s no secret that attendance at movie theaters is way down, and watching first-run movies at home is easier than ever. Even if you want to make a special night of it, which prestige premium theater do you go to? Too many choices! There has to be a better way.
Now, there is. May I present to you the movie theater of the future: Movie Mayhem! With several potential future locations in New York City, Los Angeles, and about 200 miles from anywhere else most people live, Movie Mayhem will be all about convenience. Guests will enjoy the experience of our theater right from the start, as our policy is that everyone must buy a ticket to their showtime online before arrival! That’s right: no obnoxious long lines at the box office, because there is no box office! Just bring in your smartphone with your ticket, or use one of our multiple ticket-printing kiosks in the foyer to scan the credit card you used, and voila! Don’t worry: anyone who can’t figure this simple process out will be turned away, as per our policy!
The fun continues as guests enter an upscale hotel-lobby-inspired waiting area, positioned right next to the entrance to the theater wing. Right next door is our signature social spot, The Mayhem Bistro. The Mayhem Bistro is a five-star bar and dining experience, complete with after-hours night club. Come enjoy everything from brunch to the latest DJ’s to swanky private social events. At Movie Mayhem, you don’t even have to go to the movies to go to the movies!
Of course, the main attraction are our theaters, where the magic (and the Mayhem) really happens! At Movie Mayhem, we want to provide a moviegoing experience for everyone, no matter what their tastes. You’ll never want to just stay home again! Here are some (but not all!) of our unique theater experiences:
In this theater, simplicity reigns, and anything goes. Buy a simple selection of snacks from the concession stand out front, and then fight for the best seat, as there’s no assigned seating here. During the show, no ushers or staff or projectionists will be present, so if anyone talks, texts, spills their food, or the film straight out stops running, you’re out of luck! But hey, some people don’t seem to mind.
The Netflix Theater
Wanna watch a movie but just don’t wanna decide which one until you absolutely have to, all for a low, low price? Try out our Netflix Theater (disclaimer: theater may change to the Amazon Prime, Hulu, Mubi, Shudder, or FreeMoviesNow.Com Theater at a moment’s notice due to selection and availability)! You and other choosy moviegoers can spend as much time as you like debating what to watch, before either falling asleep or settling on Step Brothers for the 500th time.
The 70mm Experience
Calling all cinephiles! Run, don’t walk, to our premium theater presenting the best possible experience that celluloid has to offer. See the epic films of yesterday and today inaccurately projected on our largest screen by a poorly trained staff, all while film fans mansplain to you about how this is the only real way to watch movies!
Dine-In Theater (featuring Guy Fieri’s Rock N’ Roll Truckbed All-American Lifestyle Tavern)
Dine-in theaters are so gangsta, and it takes more than just delicious food favorites served up fast and straight to your seat while the latest funkalicious blockbuster screens in front of you to truly be dynamite. It takes FLAVOR, bro! So get on the bus to Flavortown with a visit to celebrity chef Guy Fieri’s signature chain restaurant, at the movies! Marvel at the one-of-a-kind experience of ordering Fieri-ous Spicy 8-Cheese Fries, our Butt Chuggin’ Bandito Burrito, or the “Holy Aioli, Batman!” Winner Winner Burger Dinner featuring our Bacon Jalapeño Bun while you never get up from your seat! Enjoy an air-conditioned space surrounded by flashing lights and vintage Americana flair while rock ’n’ roll hits of yesterday and today blare on the sound system, all while you watch your movie! Make sure to try the Real Deal Margarita, served in your choice of a real trash can lid or someone’s lost flip-flop. If you like your cinema slathered in hot Donkey Sauce, this is the place to come!
The Ultimate Kiddie Theater
Let’s face it, you parents don’t care what kind of junk movie you take your kids to, as long as they’ll stay distracted for a couple hours while you can just SIT DOWN FOR ONCE, right? That’s why Movie Mayhem is proud to offer our Ultimate Kiddie Theater! Each child gets their own individual ball pit seat to play in, or alternatively they can use the plastic tube maze or arcade machines on either side of the theater while the movie plays. You won’t mind the abrasive amount of noise in this theater because “fun for the whole family” never sounded better!
The 35mm Repertory
True film fans know that they’ve never really seen their favorite movies until they’ve seen them on the big screen, and that’s why we’re proud to present our Repertory experience! Far and away the screen with the most exciting lineups, we will project anything our customers and programmers can get their hands on, from the most beloved classics to the rarest genre movies we can find! Be quick, though! Tickets for this theater go on sale at random times during random days of the week, and typically sell out within two minutes. Even then, who can be sure if the 35mm print we’ll show will be of pristine quality, or look like it’s fallen out of the back of several dump trucks? We’ll never tell, and half the fun is finding out!
With this much selection and excitement, we hope you can already see that Movie Mayhem theaters are soon to become America’s only moviegoing destination. We hope that this pitch convinces you to invest, as we believe that our business truly reflects the direction theater experiences are going, plus we borrowed about 2 million from our “business partners” that we really need to pay back within the next few weeks, otherwise they’ll—
The excerpt ends here.
Bill Bria mainlines Donkey Sauce in New York City.