In this week’s minor VOD releases, couples deal with challenges over religious differences, estranged relatives, and alternate dimensions, while teen pop stars from across generations make forays into acting.
Time Pirates (Tubi September 9): While other social media sensations are starring in major Netflix feature films and headlining Hulu reality shows, TikTok musical act SM6 has to settle for this Tubi original production from the director of the Sharknado movies. The six siblings star as themselves, magically transported back in time to a poorly realized version of 17th-century Port Royal, where they face off against Blackbeard (Richard Grieco in what looks like a store-bought Captain Jack Sparrow costume) and help a friendlier pirate break a curse. Along the way, they perform several of their bland pop-rock songs, which go over surprisingly well with pirates from three centuries ago. The affable musicians aren’t particularly good actors, although at least they try harder than Grieco. The special effects are atrocious, the belabored plot makes no sense, and the life lessons for SM6’s young fans are as weak and half-hearted as the jokes. Grade: D+
The Class (VOD and select theaters September 9): The parallels to The Breakfast Club in this teen drama are so numerous and deliberate that it’s surprising writer-director Nicholas Celozzi didn’t just attempt a remake. He’s fashioned a similar scenario, in which six high school drama students come together on a Saturday for a make-up final exam. Despite having been in the same class for a semester, they seem to know nothing about each other or the subject matter, which prompts teacher Ms. Long (Debbie Gibson) to assign them soul-searching scene exercises. They might as well be taking a class in overwrought monologues, since each student delivers a heartrending yet tedious speech about their own carefully constructed backstory (illness, closeted sexuality, abortion, etc.). The cumulative effect of all the emoting is exhausting rather than cathartic. The Breakfast Club (whose Anthony Michael Hall appears here in a supporting role) is contrived, too, but at least John Hughes knew how to write something that sounds honest and heartfelt. Grade: C
The Alternate (VOD and DVD September 13): Writer-director Alrik Bursell’s debut feature is expanded from his earlier short film, and the seams show at times, especially during a protracted second act. Strong performances and an enticing premise carry the movie past its lulls, up until a somewhat abrupt ending. Ed Gonzalez Moreno plays aimless aspiring filmmaker Jake, who accidentally discovers a door to an alternate dimension, where he has a successful career and a daughter with his wife Kris (Natalia Dominguez). Jake becomes fixated on this alternate version of himself, making frequent, risky visits to the other side. What starts out as a quirky glimpse into a possible divergent life path turns into a darker story of obsession, as Jake makes dangerous choices that could harm both versions of Kris. Bursell raises ethical and moral questions that he’s not quite up to addressing, and the movie doesn’t entirely earn its brutal finale, but it’s an intriguing exploration of a familiar sci-fi concept. Grade: B-
Simchas and Sorrows (Select theaters September 16; VOD September 20): It’s tough to root for the central couple in this meandering romantic dramedy, since Brooklyn lawyer Levi (Thomas McDonell) is so condescending and demanding with his pregnant fiancée Agnes (writer-director Genevieve Adams). He assumes that she’ll convert to Judaism to please his family, but even when she embarks on the process, he’s judgmental and nitpicky. Adams effectively captures the intersection of Brooklyn’s hipster and Jewish communities, but this slowly-paced movie lurches from goofy parodies of elitist food snobbery to serious lectures about Palestine from the couple’s progressive rabbi (Hari Nef). Agnes is a likably flustered actress and teacher, who clearly deserves better than this uptight guy who constantly defers to his parents. Adams winds through their relationship for nearly two hours, only to end up with shortcuts and compromises that seem dissatisfying for both the couple and the audience. Grade: C+
To the Moon (VOD September 20): Married couple Dennis (Scott Friend) and Mia (Madeleine Morgenweck) are already dealing with a variety of problems before unexpectedly encountering Dennis’ estranged brother Roger (Will Brill) at Dennis’ family vacation home. Dennis is undergoing his latest effort to quit drugs and alcohol, which have derailed his acting career, while Mia is recovering from the loss of a pregnancy and a leg injury that has derailed her own career as a figure skater. Roger is a disruptive presence in their attempted retreat, but it’s not clear if he has sinister intentions or he’s just a weirdo. Writer-director Friend draws out that uncertainty for nearly the whole movie, but he creates a sustained atmosphere of dread that is unsettling even during the most mundane moments. To the Moon might be an allegory for drug withdrawal or marital discord, or it might just be a story about the world’s most disturbing third wheel—and it’s pretty engrossing either way. Grade: B- 
