A Star Is Born has changed from the story of an actress (1937) to the story of a musical actress (1954), then a rock star (1976), and now a pop diva. One thing that hasn’t changed, though, is the casting of a gay icon and a hot leading man in the central roles. Since that formula works, we’re imagining some of greatest romantic movies of all time, remade with gay icons and hot leading men. The plots maaaaay have to be altered slightly, but that’s how remakes go…
The Way We Were with Ariana Grande and Chris Hemsworth
Set in 2017, where our lovers are, once again, mismatched from the beginning. She still loves politics and protest; he still loves Hollywood and cable-knit sweaters. They end up together, but he cheats and she leaves him. In the final scene, instead of brushing the hair out of his eyes, she slaps him hard and breaks into the title song, with a chorus of angry women behind her, holding signs that read “#HubbleSucks.” The end.
The Notebook with Ke$ha and Ryan Gosling
Oh, these two! They are from opposite sides of the tracks — she has money (that’s why there’s a dollar sign in her name) and he comes from a place where there’s no glitter. They fight, they break up, they fight, they break up. Finally, after Ke$ha has 57 costume changes, Ryan Gosling goes shirtless to make everyone swoon, she plays his abs like a zydeco washboard, and they go on tour. The end.
Pretty Woman with RuPaul and John Cena
John Cena picks up hooker RuPaul on the Sunset Strip and they spend a fun-filled week together. RuPaul goes from shopping at Rainbow to shopping at Barneys, and her shoulder pads go from big to bigger. John teaches Ru how to become refined, and Ru teaches John how to love himself or how in the hell is he gonna love someone else? Can I get an amen? The end.
Love Tale with Timothee Chalamet and The Rock
A same-sex, Oscar-bait version of Love Story (they couldn’t get the rights to the original). Instead of college, the two lovebirds meet in a gym. Chalamet is struggling with his lat pulldowns and The Rock guides him through a workout. As soon as their hands meet with a wide grip, it’s love. Chalamet gets sick with bird flu after being bitten by a dove and apologizes, which prompts the Rock to say, “Dove means never having to say you’re sorry.” The Rock nurses him back to health and they live happily ever after! Yay! The end.
Titanic with Adele and Channing Tatum
Grab the Kleenex for this new musical! Set in 2020, the Titanic is now a cruise ship bound for Puerta Vallarta. Channing is a gypsy cruise dancer and Adele is a rich songbird. The Heart of the Ocean necklace is now a diamond-encrusted iPhone (called THOTO), worth millions. They fall in love, sing and dance, and the ship hits an iceberg to a huge production number called, “Shit! We Hit An Iceberg.” As the ship sinks, Adele sings “My Heart Will Go On” as Channing yells “I’m not dead yet!” Channing then sacrifices himself, letting her use him and his biceps as a flotation device. She still has the phone and calls 911, then chucks THOTO into the water. The end.
When Harry Met Sally with Cara Delevingne and Daniel Radcliffe:
In 2137, Harry, an alien, and Sally meet in college and drive his spaceship from Chicago to New York. Sally realizes she does not like Harry, who believes aliens and humans can’t be friends. They meet again in 2142, and Harry tells Sally that he is in love with a droid and getting married to it. Then, in 2147, they run into each other in a virtual reality store; his droid has left him for a vertically articulated robot. They discover they have things in common and become friends. They eventually fall in love. They have sex and things get weird. Brokenhearted, Sally is going to move to Mars, but Harry stops her at the launching pad and tells her he loves her. They kiss and, as they do, fuse into one triangular being with no specific gender. The end.
Roman Holiday with Cher and Jason Statham
Set in 1987 in Rome. Cher is a sassy princess with a collection of wigs. Jason Statham is a journalist with a notebook. They meet, and she pretends she isn’t a princess by wearing a short wig. They ride a Vespa and eat non-princess food and do non-princess things. Jason falls in love with her and tells her he loves her. She slaps him and yells, “Snap out of it!” When asked by the press what her favorite part of her visit was, she says, “Probably sex with Jason Statham.” She’s incorrigible. The end.