This weekend, the female guerrilla rises again with the release of Peppermint, the story of a woman who wakes from a coma to get jacked and find the people who killed her family. Peppermint, aka Riley North (aka Jennifer Garner), hunts down and kills a lot of bad guys with knives, guns, and her bare hands. She can also freshen your breath. Those are all pretty amazing achievements for a woman who used to be a housewife. All you need is a couple years of Planet Fitness visits, some tight athleisure wear, and a whole lotta anger and pain to make you a kick-ass vigilante.
Peppermint isn’t the first female seeking revenge and doing an unbelievable job eluding authorities and getting away clean, in a (literally) unbelievable revenge movie. We wondered how this vengeful woman would manage against some of cinema’s greatest payback-seeking females.
Peppermint Vs. The Bride (Kill Bill): Beatrix Kiddo and Peppermint face off at a sword convention in Anaheim. The Bride buys the very last Hattori Hanzo, which Peppermint wanted, being unaware of The Bride’s longstanding affinity for the blad. They swordfight. Peppermint doesn’t seem to have the same calm resolve as The Bride — who, hel-LO, fought through two movies. WINNER: The Bride
Peppermint Vs. Carrie (Carrie): Peppermint accidentally spills red wine on Carrie at a party, which is a serious trigger for her after the prom incident. Carrie breaks out those psychic powers, but Peppermint’s got the anger of having her whole family massacred, which is a lot more empowering, and karate-chops Carrie in the head. WINNER: Peppermint
Peppermint Vs. The First Wives (The First Wives Club): Peppermint marries one of the First Wives’ exes, and they are not having it. Being that Peppermint is in her 30s and the Wives are all, well, youth-challenged, you would think she would clean up in this fight. However, three to one is hard to beat, so the wives bitch slap Peppermint a lot. But Peppermint probably gets a jump on Diane Keaton. WINNER: 2 out of 3 Wives
Peppermint Vs. Laurie Strode (Halloween): It’s 40 years after the original Halloween, and Laurie Strode is still running around and screaming. Peppermint lives next door to the Strodes and is sick of the noise. She knocks on the door to complain about the fuss, but Laurie answers with a butcher knife in her hand and lunges at Peppermint. Peppermint grabs a knitting needle and they go a few rounds, and then realize they have a lot in common. They team up and open a non-scary costume store than carries no William Shatner masks. WINNER: Peppermint, Laurie, and weenie Halloween costume buyers
Peppermint Vs. Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction): Alex and Peppermint are both in a pet store, looking to buy rabbits. Peppermint says her rabbit is going to be a pet; Alex says her rabbit is going to be a soup. The rabbits hear this and rise up, Night of The Lepus-style, hopping on Alex until she loses consciousness. One of the rabbits calls Bellevue and has Alex carted off to the psych ward. WINNER: Peppermint and rabbits everywhere
Peppermint Vs. Thelma & Louise: Thelma and Louise are on the run after robbing some folks and shooting some guys, and they run into Peppermint at a gas station. Thelma, buying some smokes for Louise, cuts in front of Peppermint in line, and it’s ON. It’s two against one, but the cops show up and spook Thelma and Louise, prompting them to drive off the cliff. WINNER: Peppermint by default
Peppermint Vs. Lisbeth Sander (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo): Someone has hacked Peppermint’s bank account and spent $10,000 at “Stu’s Tattoos (And Piercings).” Peppermint, bypassing authorities and computer geeks, finds out it’s Lisbeth, who is now The Girl with the Dragon and Elmer Fudd Tattoos. They both know jujitsu and go hand-to-hand, but Peppermint grabs Lisbeth’s giant septum piercing and rips it out. Lisbeth, now less cool, is humiliated and flees into the night. WINNER: Peppermint
Peppermint Vs. the Jaws: The Revenge Shark: Sharkie is swimming the ocean looking for Lorraine Gary and Michael Caine make them pay for killing her child, and to find out why on Earth they’re doing the film. She accidentally bumps into Peppermint’s kayak and overturns it, leading to a fin-to-paddle battle. During the struggle, they both realize they are just two ladies trying to right wrongs, and Peppermint joins Sharkie in the effort to shut down production of such a shitty movie. WINNER: The American public, as Jaws: The Revenge is never made
Peppermint Vs. Furiosa (Mad Max: Fury Road): Furiosa opens a beauty salon (Fantastic Furiosa’s) and Peppermint comes in for a trim. Furiosa shaves Peppermint’s head. Shocked and angry, Peppermint gets on her souped-up Vespa and drives it into the salon. Furiosa gets her war rig and flattens the Vespa … and poor Peppermint has to go out and buy a wig at Sally’s Beauty Supply. WINNER: Furiosa
Peppermint Vs. Peppermint Patty: This one might be a stretch, but we wanted to see how it turned out. Peppermint Patty steals Marcy’s phone and finds the texts where Marcy has called Peppermint “Sir” (RATS!). She thinks Peppermint and Marcy are having an affair and she summons The Great Pumpkin to squash Peppermint (yes…squash). Luckily, Peppermint is an expert Ninja Chef and carves up The GP, making him into a pie. Peppermint shares the pie with all of the Peanuts, even Peppermint Patty. WINNER: The whole Peanuts gang