• Reviews
    • Watch This
    • VODepths
  • Humor
  • On the Marquee
  • Looking Back
    • Classic Corner
    • Anniversary
  • Film Fests
Crooked Marquee
  • Reviews
    • Watch This
    • VODepths
  • Humor
  • On the Marquee
  • Looking Back
    • Classic Corner
    • Anniversary
  • Film Fests
Home
Humor

What Happened Next: A Christmas Story (1983)

Dec 3rd, 2018 Eric D. Snider
What Happened Next: A Christmas Story (1983)

You know how some movies end with freeze-frames of each of the main characters and a brief summary of where their lives went after that? And you know how most movies don’t do that but should? We want to fix that. We’ll start with A Christmas Story. (We’re ignoring the two sequels, which cancel each other out and whose existence we do not accept anyway.)

What Happened Next: A Christmas Story

 

Ralphie Parker loved his new B.B. gun for a solid month before forgetting about it and moving on to other toys. He grew up and married his teacher, Miss Shields, and had a happy life with her in spite of the 30-year age difference (with reminded Ralphie of his parents) and his unexplainable fetish for eating soap.

Randy Parker went to Hollywood after high school to become an actor, and while he never became a household name, he did get steady work as the Michelin Man before succumbing to overinflation.

The Old Man never won anything better than that lamp, and for many years described it (accurately) as the high point of his life. Inspired by the writing on the crate, he learned Italian and eventually became proficient at swearing in two languages.

Mom happily raised her boys till they left home, then finally got to sit down and eat a hot meal in peace and quiet. It was then that she realized she did not enjoy food.

 

Scut Farkus was killed in the Korean War by friendly fire under circumstances that were best described as “suspicious.”

 

 

 

Flick, traumatized by the flagpole incident, refused to stick his tongue out for the rest of his life, not even to lick food from the corners of his mouth. It was gross. He died a bachelor.

Its reputation tarnished by the class-action lawsuit that resulted from the Little Orphan Annie “secret message” debacle, Ovaltine was never heard from again until Kenny Bania on Seinfeld. The company continued to send subliminal messages, however, including the ones that inspired the Manson Family murders and told Ross Perot to run for president.

The Bumpus hounds from next door fell ill after eating the Parkers’ Christmas turkey, which it turned out was riddled with deadly Turkey Flu and would have killed any humans who ate it. The dogs recovered and were hailed as heroes, beloved by everyone — including the Old Man — for the rest of their days.


Join our mailing list! Follow us on Twitter! Write for us!
 
Facebook Twitter Google+
Eric D. Snider

Eric D. Snider

Eric D. Snider has been a film critic since 1999, first for newspapers (when those were a thing) and then for the internet. He was born and raised in Southern California, lived in Utah in his 20s, then Portland, now Utah again. He is glad to meet you, probably.

Subscribe to our Newsletter:
* indicates required
Trending
Jan 26th 9:00 AM
Looking Back

Mock Heroics: Richard Lester in the ’70s

Mar 26th 12:10 PM
Looking Back

Can You Ever Just Be Whelmed? 10 Things I Hate About You at 20

May 10th 3:09 PM
Movies

REVIEW: Con-Artist Farce The Hustle

Jun 22nd 12:00 PM
Movies

REVIEW: Espionage Eurotrash Anna

Jul 3rd 6:00 PM
Movies

REVIEW: Daytime Horror Midsommar

Jul 12th 11:00 AM
Movies

REVIEW: Action Comedy Stuber

Jul 26th 8:00 AM
Movies

REVIEW: Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood

Aug 9th 10:00 AM
Movies

REVIEW: Luce

Aug 16th 6:03 PM
Movies

REVIEW: 47 Meters Down: Uncaged

Oct 18th 4:49 AM
Film Fests

Review: Tell Me Who I Am

blank
cmpopcorn_white3.svg
  • Company
    • About Us
    • Contact
    • Writers Guidelines
  • Members
    • Login
    • SignUp
    • Forums
telephone icon [email protected]
envelope icon [email protected]
© 2014-2020 Crooked™ Publishing
Privacy Policy
Terms of Service
blankblank