Eric D. Snider
You know how some movies end with freeze-frames of each of the main characters and a brief summary of where their lives went after that? And you know how most movies don’t do that but should? We want to fix that. We’ll start with A Christmas Story. (We’re ignoring the two sequels, which cancel each other out and whose existence we do not accept anyway.)
What Happened Next: A Christmas Story
Ralphie Parker loved his new B.B. gun for a solid month before forgetting about it and moving on to other toys. He grew up and married his teacher, Miss Shields, and had a happy life with her in spite of the 30-year age difference (with reminded Ralphie of his parents) and his unexplainable fetish for eating soap.
Randy Parker went to Hollywood after high school to become an actor, and while he never became a household name, he did get steady work as the Michelin Man before succumbing to overinflation.
The Old Man never won anything better than that lamp, and for many years described it (accurately) as the high point of his life. Inspired by the writing on the crate, he learned Italian and eventually became proficient at swearing in two languages.
Mom happily raised her boys till they left home, then finally got to sit down and eat a hot meal in peace and quiet. It was then that she realized she did not enjoy food.
Scut Farkus was killed in the Korean War by friendly fire under circumstances that were best described as “suspicious.”
Flick, traumatized by the flagpole incident, refused to stick his tongue out for the rest of his life, not even to lick food from the corners of his mouth. It was gross. He died a bachelor.
Its reputation tarnished by the class-action lawsuit that resulted from the Little Orphan Annie “secret message” debacle, Ovaltine was never heard from again until Kenny Bania on Seinfeld. The company continued to send subliminal messages, however, including the ones that inspired the Manson Family murders and told Ross Perot to run for president.
The Bumpus hounds from next door fell ill after eating the Parkers’ Christmas turkey, which it turned out was riddled with deadly Turkey Flu and would have killed any humans who ate it. The dogs recovered and were hailed as heroes, beloved by everyone — including the Old Man — for the rest of their days.
