You know how some movies end with freeze-frames of each of the main characters and a brief summary of where their lives went after that? And you know how most movies don’t do that but should? We want to fix that. We’ll start with A Christmas Story. (We’re ignoring the two sequels, which cancel each other out and whose existence we do not accept anyway.)
What Happened Next: A Christmas Story
Ralphie Parker loved his new B.B. gun for a solid month before forgetting about it and moving on to other toys. He grew up and married his teacher, Miss Shields, and had a happy life with her in spite of the 30-year age difference (with reminded Ralphie of his parents) and his unexplainable fetish for eating soap.
Randy Parker went to Hollywood after high school to become an actor, and while he never became a household name, he did get steady work as the Michelin Man before succumbing to overinflation.
The Old Man never won anything better than that lamp, and for many years described it (accurately) as the high point of his life. Inspired by the writing on the crate, he learned Italian and eventually became proficient at swearing in two languages.
Mom happily raised her boys till they left home, then finally got to sit down and eat a hot meal in peace and quiet. It was then that she realized she did not enjoy food.
Scut Farkus was killed in the Korean War by friendly fire under circumstances that were best described as “suspicious.”