Exciting news, movie fans! Remember how there were movies in 2016? Well, if the rumors we’re hearing are true, there are also going to be movies in 2017. A lot of them — maybe even 30. To help prepare your body and mind for this eventuality, we have compiled a schedule of the highlights. All dates, titles, facts, and existential planes are subject to change, as life is fleeting and impermanent.
Jan. 20: XXX: Return of Xander Cage
In the old days, if you saw a movie labeled “XXX,” you’d expect something pornographic, implausible, and badly acted, and you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you at the theater. Vin Diesel’s XXX movies, on the other hand, are not pornographic.
Jan. 27: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Fun fact: no sequel called “The Final Chapter” has ever actually been the final chapter.
Feb. 10: Fifty Shades Darker
Don’t be confused by the title of the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel. It’s still about white people.
Feb. 10: The Lego Batman Movie
Batman is for kids again now. Please disregard the last 15 years.
March 3: Logan
This is not a Logan Lerman biopic. Sorry, Percy Jackson fans! It’s a movie about a grumpy middle-aged man with knives in his fists. His name is Logan, though he’s better known to comic readers as Knife-Fist.
March 17: Beauty and the Beast
This live-action version of the animated Disney musical has already stirred up controversy over the studio’s decision to cast human actors in the roles originally played by enchanted housewares.
April 7: Smurfs: The Lost Village
If they were smart, they’d make this a crossover with Trolls, maybe have the Smurfs and Trolls intermarry and produce horrific new offspring. That’s a $500 million idea, but Sony ignored it when I wrote it on a brick and threw it through their window.
April 14: The Fate of the Furious
Everyone’s always been pretty Fast in these movies, but have they really been Furious? Angry, sure. They’re angry a lot. But Furious? That’s a stretch. And now, in part 8, they’re not even Fast anymore? I don’t know. It seems like the series has gotten away from its roots as an action drama about men who had sex with cars.
May 5: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2
In response to the feedback they got after Vol. 1, Vol. 2 will consist of nothing but Groot and a quirky soundtrack.
May 26: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Just like the Disney ride it’s based on, this franchise lasts longer but moves slower than you’d expect, and does not feature an interesting performance by Orlando Bloom.
June 2: Wonder Woman
And just like that, they ruin the childhood of everyone who grew up watching Wonder Man, the show about a man in star-spangled panties who deflects bullets with his bracelets and lassos villains with his truth-rope.
June 2: The Mummy
Tom Cruise stars in this movie about an ancient relic who pursues a mummy.
June 23: Transformers: The Last Knight
Some of the Transformers films have gone a bit off the rails, but Michael Bay promises this one will be more faithful to the Emily Bronte novels they’re based on.
July 7: Spider-Man: Homecoming
Will moviegoers ever grow tired of seeing Uncle Ben die? Let’s find out!
July 14: War for the Planet of the Apes
Let’s be honest, by July we might be OK with letting them take it.
Sept. 8: It
Based on a Stephen King novel, this is the first in a series of horror films based on various pronouns. You won’t believe what they do with You!
Oct. 27: Saw: Legacy
Fun fact: the previous installment was called Saw: The Final Chapter.
Nov. 17: Justice League
How are they going to do a Justice League movie when Superman died at the end of Batman v Superman? Man oh man, they really painted themselves into a corner with that one.
Dec. 22: A bunch of movies that will “open” (but not where you live) so they can qualify for awards and so critics can talk to each other about them, but which won’t really be released until January, at which point you will declare them “overhyped.”
In summary, 2017 is going to be a great year for people who love colons.
Eric D. Snider lives in Portland, loves colons.